Ramblings Of A Fair Shrew

Things Are Not Looking Up

2006-08-08T08:28:00.001-07:00

I'm about to dump my boyfriend. He tells these awful jokes like "You're replaceable" or "If you can fit 9 kilos in your ass we'd be set for life" and "Yeah, but you'd do anybody." He really doesn't mean these things but I hate hearing them. I told him to stop telling them the other day and he got really sad. And that's when I told him to stop the sexual jokes.

He also has dogs. I love dogs, but he has french bulldogs. They are the most disgusting creatures ever. They fart (on a regular basis and it smells like the apocolypse), snort, and eat shit. To make things worse he sleeps in the bed with them, refuses to train them, and kisses them on the mouth even though they eat not only their own shit, but the shit of other animals too. Since he refuses to train them his house smells like piss. They poop everywhere from the floor to the carpet to the bed.

I can't take it anymore. I'm going to tell him how the jokes make me feel. If he doesn't flip out, then maybe we can make it a little longer. If he can't understand, then it's over... well, today.

Too much brain; not enough reasonable thoughts

2006-05-04T06:05:00.000-07:00

I hate days where I overthink things. Yesterday was one of those days. I just thought too much and now I'm sad. When I overthink it's always about how I'm not good enough. I don't understand how or why people like me, so when they show affection I pull away. They always think it's them but it's always me. I don't know how to get close to people. I probably should learn. It wouldn't be bad to have friends.

I'm going to try to come out of this funk and do something productive. I'm gonna start with laundry. That sounds good.

Recently

2006-04-30T19:55:00.000-07:00

I've been enjoying time with my new boyfriend. He's so sweet and wonderful! He's been in California since last Wednesday. He was visiting his brothers and hanging out at Cochella. He's haveing a pretty good time but I want him back here with me. I miss him. We've been talking everyday... he's calling me right now! Okay I'm back. He wanted to say hello and to tell me that he'll be back tomorrow evening. I'm happy to hear that because I miss him a lot.

Tomorrow is my last day of school! I'm so flippin relieved. My grades suck but I don't care. I just want to get this semester over with. I'm not motivated in any way at all. I just want to be fucking done. Speaking of done, today my sister graduated from the University of Michigan School of Architecture. I'm so proud of her! She was really happy to be finished with school. Now she's a U of M alumni. I'm so so so happy for her. She deserves it. She worked really hard and now she has a pretty piece of paper to prove it. YAY BRITT!

I thought for a while that I wasn't obsessed with the way I looked. Turns out that was a lie. I thought I was ugly and then I learned that I'm actually kind of hot (depending on who you talk to and how early it is). When I was informed of this rather important bit of information I flipped. I was so concerned with looking presentable that I went back to that old hating myself habit and now I'm trying to control it. It's not really working, and I'm pisses to be going in this direction agian, but I guess I'll figure it out one of these days.

I've been listening to ABBA. I'm listening to them right now actually. They're so good! So fun and danceable.

I think this is a good place to call it quits. I need to relax and pretend to prepare for my exam tomorrow.

Later!

I'm having a great time

2006-04-04T13:49:00.001-07:00

I havne't been here in ages! I think it's time for an update.

Well, I haven't been doing any school work. I've been spending a lot of new time with my new boyfriend. Last Saturday he was telling me about this abandoned house that he's seen while riding his bike and I was like "I wanna see," so he showed it to me.

It was in a very afluent section of the city and we couldn't figure out why it was abandoned because it was beautiful. As soon as we pulled up I could tell it was special. We walked around the property and it was so unique! I'll post pictures soon.

We called the realtor and found out the house was designed by Frank Lloyd Wright!!! The house costs 450,000 dollars and needs about half a million dollars to repair. This Saturday we're going to make an appointment with the realtor, desguised as a young married couple, to view the house. I'm excited.

We've only been together for a week but I feel like we know each other very, very well. He's sweet, considerate, passionate, and he actually likes me! I wonder what why? I'm just the girl from Starbucks. Well, whatever the reason is let it be damned because I'm gonna ride this wave of infactuation as long as it's strong. I'm happy with him.

2006-04-04T13:49:00.000-07:00

Wednesday night was great.

2006-03-30T05:55:00.000-08:00

And thats all there is to it!

Change of Plans

2006-03-28T18:35:00.000-08:00

We're going out tomorrow ;)

Hot Shit

2006-03-28T06:38:00.000-08:00

last night I had a date with a guy that's not My Valentine. Here's the deal.

I work at Starbucks. There is this guy that comes in, for the time being lets just call him Joe, who is super hot. I thought he was gay. Me and all the other girls were like "Why is it always the cute ones?" Another girl that I worked with always talked to him when he came in. He was always so friendly and answered all of her questions and he'd be that way with me too.

Well, my freind left my store and I started working only on the weekends (goddamn school). I'd say within the past maybe six weeks or so I've seen him off and on and everytime I saw him he was kinda flirty! I thought it was becuase I lost weight and now I'm a tad prettier. I didn't know if he knew that I'd lost weight because it'd been so long since I'd seen him, but I didn't care. I liked the attention.

Last Friday he came in and asked me what was new and we talked about music. My manager called me to aske me to do something and then Joe was like, "Are you single," and I was like, "Yes," and he asked me out!!!!!!!! Me! Of all people. So I gave him my phone number and made plans for Monday.

Yesterday was Monday. We went to a nice bar and drank beer. He was so sweet and the complements were flowing like water. He told me I was beautiful, he couldn't understand why I was single, he was very affectionate. He touched my face, my arms, my hands, my neck and we kissed a lot. It was great.

He has been coming into my store five days a week for the past year and he told me he thought I was much prettier than all the other girls that worked there. If he's been in there for a year than that means he saw me when I was fat and still thought I was pretty. "I didn't just ask you out on a whim," he said. "I've been thinking about it for a while."

He walked me to my car and we made out some more. He was all hands! It was great. Then I drove him back to his car... Lets talk about his car. It's my dream car. I love wagons and I love Audi and I love red. He has that car. It it beautiful and I love it! Okay back to the date. We were making out in my car and it was supper! It was the best first date. Mind you I've only been on three first dates including this one, but shit. I ain't complaining. It was fun :)

He told me to call him when I got back home and we made plans to go to dinner at an Italian resturant close to where he lives. Nice. I'm excited.

As soon as I get a chance I'm kicking My Valentine to the curb.

Can't wait for Thursday!

I've been PHOTOSHOPPED!

2006-03-19T17:55:00.000-08:00

Today My Valentine sent me some really cool pictures that he had of me. He took some of my regular photos from my myspace page and made them all unique and creative like. They looked really good. I'd pay for somebody to do that for me but he did it for free. I was very happy. He's such a sweet guy. To bad I have to wait six more weeks to see him agian.

Spring break was alright. I went to my Friend Calvin's birthday party and that was so much fun. I was really sad that I had to leave so early. Fuck my goddamn job! We're making plans to meet up agian soon. We're going to have a beer drinking contest and I don't even want to know what kind of trouble we're going to get into. That's going to be nothing but madness. I'm excited.

Andrew came home this weekend. Actually after I finish this I'm going over his house. He came home on Friday and we had a ball doing dumb shit. I know his parents hate me. Too bad I love his parents. I'm happy he's home. I also started being freinds with John K. At first I didn't like him, now I get excited if I know he's gonna be hanging with us. He's climbing the A List.

I have a lot of work to do tomorrow. I have to type two papers and start training for some marathon. Actually I think it's a half marathon. It won't be untill August or something. Before that there's a 5k and I know I'll be able to run that. My goal for the summer is to run a race and finish it.

Well, I think I'll stop here. I know it's not much of an update, but not much has been going on. Later I might post one of the pics that My Valentine made for me. They're pretty cool.

Tuesday

2006-03-14T17:10:00.000-08:00

I had lunch with my friend Aaron today. We just chit-chatted and made plans to visit a friend in Yipsi tomorrow. Later I went home, watched The Office, got borred, put on make up, an now I have nothing to do. It's a damn shame for me to look this good and not have a place to go or anybody to see. I really am a hermit. I can't wait for my Valentine to get back.

I talked to Luisa today! She's doing well and having a really good time.

Well, I guess this is where I go watch more episodes of The Office. Maybe I'll check the mail. I don't think anybody's done that today.

Monday

2006-03-13T17:32:00.000-08:00

This has been the greatest Monday ever. I woke up at 8, used the bathroom and went back to sleep untill 10:45. I checked my e-mail, talked on AIM to my friend Aaron who I love, sent an e-mail to my Valentine and finaly decided to leave the house at 1:30.

I tried to make arrangements with my other friend Aaron for lunch but he was in the shower. We'll go tomorrow afternoon.

I was thinking about my Valentine and I hate when that happens because the thoughts get tough. He's really great. He know's what he wants, he's a stable person, he's nice, he's smart, and respectful but he's white.

Everyone in my family says they're okay with interacial relationships but I think they only mean relationships where the guy or girl isn't white and if it happens to a non-family member. I am a member of the family, I am not allowed to date a white person. Iit's okay for me to date out of my race as long as the guy isn't white.

I could never bring him home. This is a big problem because if I can't introduce him to my family I'm denying him a lot of myself. Mainly I'd be denying him most of my problems but still, I'd like to introduce a person to my family no matter what his race is.

I've come to the conclusion that I'll only introduce any man to my family if I plan to spend the rest of my life with him. That's not good either because I feel like I'd be lying to them by not telling them that I have a boyfriend! What a delema.

So anyway, because I'm impressionable I sometimes tell myself that I won't take him seriously, when he gets back from Japan I'll just tell him it isn't working out and hope that he doesn't mind being friends, but then he'll do something that changes my mind like say something nice or funny in an e-mail or even worse, buy me something.

Anyway, when I checked the mail today I noticed that I had recieved the british version of The Office on DVD free of charge. I don't shop at Amazon enough for them to send me free shit but when I looked at the purchasers address I saw that my Valentine had bought it for me. I told him thank you a million times and he said "I wanted you to have it. You have a great sense of humor and anybody as cool as you should have this in their DVD collection." Those weren't his exact words, but it was something like that. then he said "There's something else I'm working on sending you at the moment."

I don't know what I'm going to do with myself or this guy but it better not be anything bad.

After that I sat around and did more nothing. It's pretty fun. I think later I'll make myself a salad.

Reality... Checked.

2006-03-11T19:01:00.000-08:00

This evening I spilled some of my mom's salad on the floor and now I'm expirencing the deepest depth of guilt, sorrow and self-pitty.

We spent the later parts of today going to book stores, and grocery stores just chit-chatting and having as good a time as a mother and daughter can have with each other. It was nice? Later we went to Blockbuster to rent a movie (didn't get one), then Starbucks because I really ,really, really wanted those chocolate cupcakes.

When we got back home I was in the greatest spirits and I was ready to sit down to enjoy a highly unconventional dinner of greek salad and chocolate cupcakes when I spilled my moms salad.

It was only a handful, but it was enough for me to realize that I'm kind of a failure. When I'm in a really good mood or if I'm happy, something happens to bring the spirit down. I usually do that something. One of those somethings was putting a huge dent in my car at my grandmothers birthday party. That really sucked. But then it just turned in to negative thoughts like, my current struggles with myself, my inability to live up to a single personal standard, my lack of meaningful relationships, and on and on and on. It was just bad.

I told her I didn't want any of her salad since I spilled it (we were going to share). I wasn't hungry at all after that. I cleaned up my mess and went up stairs, almost, because I was feeling bad. But then those goddamn cupcakes. I tried to leave them downstairs wrapped up nicely in their neat littlebox, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. I ate one and now I'm looking at my stomach and thinking to myself I Am Not Eating Tomorrow. That won't happen though. I'll wait till Monday.

Just checkin back into reality here.

2006-03-11T15:50:00.000-08:00

It's spring break. I'm kinda sad. There isn't much to do in my small little area. I want to go to a party with this boy but first I have to gather the courage to ask him out, then I have to find a party for us to go to. That's gonna be the hardest part. Finding a party.

I have a few really good friends. Everywhere we go I get in for free becuase they're always on the guest list plus some. I don't go anywhere if I have to pay a cover. I could go to a house party (btw, I saw this guy for the first time at an out of control house party) which would be nice to go to, but I don't have any friends that are hosting any.

Now that I think about it, I dont' want to go to a club or anything, I just want to go to a house party. That's all I want to do this holiday, go to a house party. I love them so much! It's a much better to meet friends of freinds, other weirdo's, new friends, and casual acquaintances.

I love casual acquaintances :) The ones that are passionate and genuine but short lived. I like to break them up into smaller time segments. Maybe have a weeks worth of well spent hours broken up over 6 weeks or so. I'm not gonna get into any more details. maybe I can coax them out of Natasha.

Well todays entry was supposed to be about getting serious and becoming more assertive and whatnot, but it ended upi being about house parties and sex rationing. Maybe later I'll do this "reality" thing.

California Dreamin'

2006-03-06T08:34:00.000-08:00

Man I want to be there right now more than ever. Well, maybe not. I probably looks like it does here in SE Michigan: wet, and not all that warm.

We've been geting really wonderful sunny, warm (for winter at least) days here since January. JANUARY! Do you know what it takes to make the sun shine in January? Human sacrifice! Lets all take a minute to thank the Bush regime for taking that awful task off our hands.

So I'm about to go to the gym. I was looking in the mirror all disgusted at myself like "DAMN, I am fat." So I put on my gym clothes and even I noticed my nominal weight loss. The last time I wore my work out clothes I weighed 135 pounds. Now I'm 128 (up from 126 two weeks ago. I blame the booze) and I can see where seven pounds have made a diffrence. I wonder how I lost those seven pounds. I could lose another seven. Maybe 10 or 15 now that I think about it. That woudn't be so bad. But I'm digressing.

Back to California, or my California dream.

Hmm. Well, I guess there isn't much to it. I just want to be there when it gets nice. But I'd like to be anywhere when it gets nice. Especially here. I love Michigan in the summer. There are tones of trees and the leaves look so beautiful when the wind blows them. I like to lay in the grass and watch the clouds. That's always nice. Taking long walks is pretty great too. I haven't gotten around to any bike rides, but I'll get on that this summer and see how it goes.

Maybe California isn't the place I have to be when the wether gets warm this year. Maybe it's just outside. Anywhere outside.

It hailed today!

2006-03-02T08:12:00.000-08:00

Today I went to work for 37 minutes. I was going to stay and then go to class for a test but we were slow at work so the boss sent me home 5 hours early. To make things even worse/better I didn't go to class becuase my windshield called it quits under the pressure of a billion pounds of hail. Actually, it was more like a combination of a thick layer of ice and my defroster, but either way I need a new windshield.

Right now I'm super tired and hungry and freaking out becaue I'm not in school. I'm missing a test and I hope my instructor lets me retake it later. I sent her an e-mail. I hope she understands.

No plans for the weekend other than study and work. My sister goes back to school on Sunday, thank god. She's driving me up the wall. She's doing everything in her power to get on my nerves and, goodness, it's working. When she leaves I'm going to rip up all of her clothes. I considered killing her when she returns home for summer vacation, but she goes to Brazil six days after she gets back. So I'll let her live.

My Valentine wants me to introduce her to him becuase they will only be in town at the same time for those six days, but I wouldn't do that. I'd rather send her off and then spend the rest of the glorious summer with him while corresponding with her via e-mail... or not at all.

For now, I'm off to maybe eat breakfast.

Waiting...

2006-02-28T17:52:00.000-08:00

... and waiting, and waiting. I'm waiting for my professor to get my paper back to me, I'm waiting for my grade for my debate, I'm waiting to recieve an e-mail from my Valentine, I'm waiting for my Valentine to come home (60 more days), I'm waiting for spring break, I'm just waiting.

This is boring. I'm going to study and go to sleep.

I hope tomorrow I'll have somethig nice to say.

Two Months Starts Now

2006-02-27T11:52:00.000-08:00

Last night I went over my Valentine's house to spend time with him before his departure to the other side of the world. It was very sweet. We talked about a lot of stuff and made out a lot. It was nice. I wanted to leave when he left but I eventually went home at about 6:30 this morning, I think he left at 8:30. He called me from the airport to tell me bye.

He wants me to visit him while he's in Japan but I'm not sure if I can do that. With my shitty part time job I don't think I can save enough to buy a ticket and a pasport. I could try, but by the time I came up with all that money he'd be here for a month.

This is kinda strange. My Valentine's gone, my friend Shawnna is moving to the other side of the country, by the time my Valentine comes home my sister wil be gone to Brazil, and my favourite Aussie will be in Peru! I don't feel sad or abandoned or anything, but it's kinda funny. What am I gonna do? I need to go somewhere. Maybe I will save up for that ticket.

I'm sad

2006-02-24T18:25:00.000-08:00

I was supposed to hang out with my Valentine tonight because it's the night of his going away party. I was so excited to hang out with him and his friends but I had a ton of shit to do. I finaly finished it all and when I called him to see where they were going I was told to go to a place "Down River." Down River is the white trashiest, most racist place ever. I can't go there. Especially at night. So I had to pass.

I won't see him tomorrow either because he's going to see his family on the other side of the state. That means I can't see him untill Sunday night, which is a bummer, becuase he leaves Monday afternoon! When he leaves I won't be able to see him for two months. TWO MONTHS! I can't stand not seeing him for two days.

When I first met him I wasn't really interested. But he was persistant and next thing I knew I was head over heals for him. That all happened with in one wek. Now he's going to Japan and I have to wait for two months to hear his voice.

I guess it's for the best though. It gives me a chance to concentrate on my school work and by the time he gets back I'll be finishing up the semester, then I'll be able to spend the entire summer with him. That's right. Pure unadultered time in the summer. Except for when he's working or when I'm hanging with Andrew.

I think I'll make it. I just hope that when he comes back home he'll still be interested in me. I really like this guy a lot.

Birthday agian

2006-02-22T19:42:00.000-08:00

It was good. My family gave me very nice gifts, I got a wish from my Valentine, Andrew sent me the most beautiful birthday message, my sister sent me a picture of a slice of vegan chocolate cake (long story), and I won my debate!

Today was good. Too bad none of my other friends even bothered to wish me happy birthday. I won't be talking to them for a loooooong time.

February 22

2006-02-22T08:34:00.000-08:00

Today is my birthday. So far it's lame.

Today

2006-02-17T10:42:00.000-08:00

I'm not gonna say anything about the wether here in Michigan becaues I dont' want to jinx it. But I will say this; these past few days have been beautiful. Last night we had a thunderstormand that was pretty cool because this time of year we normally have blizzards. It's almost the end of February for cryin in the mud. I'm not gonna complain though. Early spring brings early summer right? Let's hope so.

I just got off work and I'm sitting around not doing anything. I could be doing some laundry because I need to wash my pants. Now that I think of it, I need some new pants. The one's I have now just ain't cuttin it. I want more. I want. Want, want, want.

I got paid today (YAY!), but my check easily could have been exchanged for bird seed (booo!). But it's okay. All I'm gonna do is drink. I have a lot to celebrate.

I offically weigh 129 pounds! That's less than 130 and right now that's all I care about. So I'm gonna go drinking with some friends. Tomorrow I'm going out to a far away place for a beer challenge. I challenged some fools to a drinking contest and they accepted. Too bad I'm gonna lose. I'm challenging my friend Calvin and he's way more seasoned than I am.

I'm also going out drinking agian on Sunday because according to my friend Paul, the local booze place has a all day happy hour on Sunday.

Oh. Paul drunk dialed me last night/this morning at 12:24. His speech was slured and he was like "Come out to Stan's they got four dollar pitchers of beer!" I was so tempted but I knew that would have been a bad idea becue I had to go be at work at 6:30 am. I resisted and he kept passing the phone around. Dannie tried to talk me into going too but I knew it was a bad idea. I had to tell her no too. I had a good laugh though. I love when people call me when they're drunk.

Well, I guess I'll get to washing those stinking smelly pants of mine.

ta.

Valentine's Day Update

2006-02-16T17:33:00.000-08:00

So on Valentine's Day I met up with with the first guy from my Valentine's Day post. We had tea and just talked for a while. It was nice. He was nice. I really like him! Too bad he's going to Japan in like, a week. He'll be there for two months. So either it'll fizzle out or I'll become obsessed with him and live off his phone calls and e-mails. Who am I kidding? It's like that already.

So me and this guy, lets call him Mike, talked about a lot of things. We discussed pets, religion, dreams, work, parents, everything. I asked him about a trillion questions. I never ran out of them.

We've met twice. The first time with friends, the second time we were alone (in a coffee shop). I haven't even touched him yet. Not because I'm prude... well, yeah. I am. But I feel bad about it. How can I deny a grown man something as simple as a hug? Silly me.

We're going out agian this weekend. I'm not sure what we should do. It's too cold for parks, and my only option is indoor stuff. But what's good? I can't say the museum. That's so played out. Plus I don't want to do anything that requires money. Oh well. At least I"ll be in good company.

So I was really excited about my date. Couldn't have felt better. Nothing could top it right? But the I heard that a friend of mine is going on an all-expenses-be-damned trip to a fashion show to mingle with celeberties!!! How cool is that!

So this week has been great. I'm pretty happy about it. Can't wait till next week.

P.S. I also forgot to add I'm finaly in the 120's. 129.5 to be exact.

Fuck a teenager

2006-02-14T17:03:00.000-08:00

I'm at Java hut trying to study and these stupid trust fund babies/wannabe dirtbags are acting so silly and immature I'm temped to to yank them by their multi-colored, untrimmed, unwashed, nasty ass hair and slam the bottem of my foot in their ugly little faces.

I always think about how I was when I was a teenager and try not to be the "uncool adult" but holy shit. I was nothing like that when I was there age. Maybe when I was two.

I'm glad my parents gave me a sense of shame cause these kids have none.

Valentine's Day

2006-02-13T20:58:00.000-08:00

Wow. I have no clue what just happened. I know Valentines Day is tomorrow but I'm already expirencing a delema. Lordy, I never though I'd have this problem.

So a guy that I've met only a few times has asked me out. My main reason for saying no is a lame one. Here it is: he's established. He's got a really good full time job and everything. Me? Well, I'm some silly little twit that drinks too much on the weekends, works a shitty part time job two days a week, takes school semi-seriouslly, and doesn't think past Saturday night. I have no clue why he want's to go out with me. He's a nice guy, but something is telling me no. To be honest, i think I'd hurt him. He's nice and super sweetand I'm a bitch.

I'm explaining this "situation" to another male friend and he decides to use the moment to ask me out as well! I don't want to go out with this guy at all. I mean, he's nice, but I'd never consider dating him at all. He's all like "I wanna take you out," but I dont' want to go out with him. He's more confused than I am, he's already got a girlfriend and his acne makes me sick.

Here's the really shallow part that I hate talking about. In terms of looks I know I can do better (really a way lot better than the second guy) than both of these guys, but eventhough looks are what attracts anyone to anyone else, it can stop a "relationship" before it starts. I also have issues with myself. I dont' see what the big deal is about. I mean, it's just me. I'm not all that cute, I'm sarcastic, borderline narcisistic, obnoxious, and far from serious. I'm also a total head-fucking-case. I can't even eat for cryin out loud.

I'm dealing with two guys from two totally diffrent worlds. I feel stupid for being in this situation. I just feel stupid really. I'm finaly at a place in life where I'm getting attention from the opposite sex (and the same sex). I mean, I've never ever been noticed like this before. I should be happy right? Even if none of these guys are guys I'm interested in, I should be satisfied that I'm not the girl that's overlooked or forced to play cupid because that's as good as it gets right?

Maybe I should just hold out for Marc Jacobs... or Jesus. It would save me a lot of stress.

This fall will be fantastic!

2006-02-13T17:11:00.000-08:00

I am so in love with the Fall 06-7 line for so many designers that it makes me totally fucking sick. I mean, of course there are the usual totally-gonna-make-you-nut designers like McQueen, vonFustenburg, Klein, etc. But there were also designers that totally out did themselves in ways unimaginabe.

Anna Sui for example. She's fucking good, but this season she's iconic. She changes things regularly but this fall she put her goods out. Everything looked like nothing she's ever done before. I'll let the photos speak for themselves.

Also, Proenza Shouler did better than ever. They are another pair of designers that are in a class of their own but this season the clothes were so librarian-meets-hooker they should have been censored. I don't think conservative has ever been so progressive and sexy.

Then there was Chai. Yeah. Chai. As in Richard Chai. I'd never heard of him before but now that I have I can die peacefully. There was lots of long black coats with tan tops, evening gowns of satin that flowed like blood, and prints, prints, prints, prints, prints. Nothing was ordinary and everything was beautiful.

Mark Jacobs doesn't need me to do any talking. Here's the link for the Marc jacobs line. I don't even like Marc Jacobs or Marc by Marc Jacobs but this season he pushed the envelope and made it to the future before time did.

Also, just for kicks, look at some stuff from Alexander McQueen, Diane von Furstenburg, Karl Lagerfeld, and Style.com for everything you'll ever need to know or care about.

Fuckin shit

2006-02-08T18:32:00.000-08:00

I get home from a long day and I'm hungry. I mean HUNGRY. Normally I can ignore the paings but it was really bad today since all I've eaten was one Cheeto. So I come home thinking that my mom would be there with food but she wasn't. She and my brother were on their way back from one of my favourite resturants and never even called me to ask if I wanted anything.

This made me so mad. I wash their fucking laundry, clean their dirty dishes, cook their meals, keep the house in top form and they can't even offer me something to eat? What the fuck is that all about?

Later she's like "You can have some of my food but there's meat in it." What the hell good is that gonna do me, I'm a goddamn vegetarian. "Well, if you want I can give you some money and you can go pick up something." Like what? What the fuck can I get at 9:30 p.m.? By the time I get to any resturant they'll be closed.

At this point I don't want to hear a single word from her. I'm fumed and she knows it. So of course she decides to start some bullshit conversation like "Hey Bran, you know there's a phone smaller than the Razr?" I didn't say anything. I don't give a rats ass. Is her small talk going to make me feel better about her total disregard for me and everything I do aroud here? Fuck no.

So today I've eaten a handful of carmel corn for dinner because that's all we had in the house that isn't right off an animal. I feel bad for eating it because I would have been better off without it.

It really was Super

2006-02-05T12:43:00.000-08:00

So this past weekend was Super Bowl weekend in Detroit. I'm not sure if too many people know this but people in Detroit love a party. That weekend there was Super Bowl, Winter Blast and something else. I can't remember, but it was all going on downtown. So needless to say, I gotta story for you.

It all started when Britt and I picked up my friend Kelly and went to Fishbones to meet his friend Dan and Dan's friends that offered to pay for our drinks. When we got there I met Dans' friend Christian. Christians gaze was slightly disturbing. Actually it wasn't a "slightly disturbug" gaze as much as it was a I'm-undressing-you-right-now-and-you-don't-even-know-it gaze. When he looked at me I felt naked. So of course I started drinking heavily.

After only the first gin and tonic I started feeling up the waiter. He was tall and disgustingly hansom and I noticed he had a tattoo on his chest so I starded unbuttoning his shirt. The crazy thing was he let me do it twice. I asked if I could do it a third time and he told me no. On the way out I gave him a hug and came to the conclusion that fishbones would also make a great strip joint.

After another gin and tonic I was feeling pretty saucy and egar to go to another party. We hopped on the people mover all drunk and headed to Woodbridge for a loft party. While on the people mover this lady told me I was pretty (oh yeah, I didn't need to hear that because by this time I'd heard it from several people so I was feeling quite confident) and she wanted to hook me up with her son. Lucky for her son he wasn't there because I'm sure he would have died of embarassment.

We get to the loft party where it hoppin'. I see my friend David and he gives me the warmest greeting I have ever recieved from anyone. He picked me up and spun me around in circles. He put me down and I began nursing a screwball.

This is also about the time where my memory just fails me. All I remember doing is taking off my sweater, making friends with everybody in the room, giving away two of my rings, and seeing the guy who offered to have a threesome with me and my friend Kelly last summer and getting practically felt up by him and a few other people. I also destroyed my camera by spilling drink on it. It's still sticky and that happened three days ago.

I was glad I left when I did because if I stayed any longer or had anymore to drink Natasha would have been out in full force. If you'd like to contribute to the Brandi Needs A New Digital Camera Fund, please leave a comment.

Me and Bode Miller

2006-02-01T19:33:00.000-08:00

Last night I had a dream I met Bode Miller and we fell in love. Now mind you this is a dream and thank goodness for dreams, otherwise I'd never fall in love. Anyway, I met him and somehow in the dream we dicided we were ment to be. I can't remember the details of so I'll just add a bunch of pics of him for for eye candys sake :) Enjoy.

These help me make it through the hard times

2006-01-31T20:39:00.000-08:00

I don't always like inspirational quotes. I especially hate the ones on lame posters that are plastered all over middle school hallways and dentist offices that tell you to "believe in yourself and others" while some chump meditates on a clif at sunrise. Or maybe it's sunset. I can never tell.

Anyway, I hate that shit. So I collect quotes that I like. Some of them I make up, some I steal from friends and family, some are overheard in resturants uttered by people I've never met or even seen, some from sings or books, etc. I think you get the point. So here are some that have made these past few days easy for me.

"Some girls are bigger than others." - The Smiths

"I don't know my future after this weekend and I don't want too." - Bjork

"Farewell brave soul and may your future gleam as bright as shines your courage now." - Aristpohanes

"Don't value anyone else's opinion before your own." - Me

"Heroins not addictive. I should know, I've been doing it for years." - some angry drunk in a bar

"You're like heroin but I'm a cocaine girl." - Rachii (I hope I got that right)

"If you dig a ditch for somebody make sure it's big enough for two." - Grandma

They may not mean much to you but they keep me goin'! or at least goin to hell. Hmmm. Maybe later I'll post something with substance.

What the hell!

2006-01-25T12:16:00.000-08:00

My internet is down. I'm in a coffee shop updating shit and doing homework. It sucks. It gets me outside though. maybe if I keep this up I'll meet people! Imagine that :)

xoxo all. ta!

Back in step

2006-01-19T15:05:00.000-08:00

Today I took desprate measures to get rid of food that I had already eaten. The firt time it felt great. The second time the rush was gone. The third time depressed me. I'm glad it's gone, but I'm not sure about how I feel. I wasted a lot of food and water. Oh well. Off to the gym.

Later:

I feel really good about what I did earlier. Keeping all of that would have made me sick, although in the mind, anyway.

This Friday...

2006-01-18T08:23:00.000-08:00

I'm going to Vomit. I love Vomit parties. Well, I loved them because I always got drunk. I'm not sure what this Friday will be like. I thought for sure Andrew was gonna stick around for it but he's going back to Chicago right now I believe.

I'm kinda sad for that because I like to go to parties where I know at least one person very well. I know about seven people that will be at this party but I don't know any of them well enough to comfortably make a fool out of myself. PLUS I'm supposed to be meeting with a guy that I've never seen in person before and frankly I'm a little freaked out. Whenever I go out I usualy have Andrew and/or Britt as a security blanket, but I won't have them on Friday. We'll see how it all goes.

I'm going to go to the gym in a few minutes. I'm finaly back to 131. Over christmas break my weight had skyrocketed up to 136, but now I'm back to a less uncomfortable size. So I'm going to go to the gym to celebrate. But I missed my morning class. I stayed out too late last night and slept throug it this morning. So I have to make up for it by staying longer today. I think I might even consider... naa. I was gonna say lifting weights but I know I won't do that. I saw this oblique thing there that I might try today. I'm gonna try 30 on each side.

That's all for today. I'm gonna go to the gym, get some school work finished, put gas in my car and call it a day. Yeah, that sounds good. See ya'll later.

7 days

2006-01-16T09:37:00.000-08:00

For the past seven days I've been going to the gym a lot. I've been there six of the past 7 days. I didn't go yesterday and I wanted to so bad. I decided not too because they say you should get rest between each gym visit.

It's been giving me lots of motivation. I used to have really bad thoughts but now they've lightened up soo much! I still have my deamons. Damsel I think you know which ones they are, but they're smaller. I can' work around them.

WOAH! I just got tiped off that I'm going to lunch at my favourite indian resturant. I'm not gonna pass that up. brb.

Okay I'm back. The food was good. My mom liked it a lot. She's never had indian food before and now she loves it. She's excited for the next time we go.

School is good. I've only been in for a week now but I like it. I like all my classes and there is somebody I know in each one so I don't feel alone or out of the loop. It's nice.

Not much other than that has been happening. I lost a little bit of my christmas weight. That was good. Ummm. Hmm.

Well I guess that's all. I wish I had something exciting to say like I got a boyfriend, or a new job, or even a manicure but I haven't. Not much is new. Just busy as hell and happy :)

xoxo all.

Today was a rough day.

2006-01-14T16:50:00.000-08:00

Me and my boss had the hugest fight today. She thinks I'm trying to boss her around, I think she's a nagging control hag.

Today she used the most degrading tone while talking to me and expected me not to be mad! How on earth am I not supposed to be offended when she growls at me like I'm an inferior street dog to her superior paranoid schizophrenia-ness.

Later we went to the back room where verbal blows were exchanged, then came to a simmer. We almost had a heart to heart. She told me how she felt and I told her how I felt. We agreed to communicate our feelings and to be open and receptive to each others concerns.

After the meeting I felt good. Things were starting to look up, but when I went in the back room agian to get my jacket that ugly troll dyke made me sign a diciplinary action form for a thermometer violation. A thermometer violation! After all we went through.

Fuck that fucking, nagging, cheap ass bitch whore. She can burn in hell as far as I'm concerned. Burn to a mother fucking C-R-I-S-P.

This is funny!

2006-01-13T19:32:00.000-08:00

This is a poem. Duh. But it's really funny to me. Nobody else thinks it's funny. They think it's lame or sad. It cracks me the hell up!

Love only finds those that don't look for it.
Those hopeless romantics who want love sit in their parlors
staring out of their windows
waiting and dreaming for that perfect love to find them.
But that perfect love won't find them.
It won't.
So where does love lie for those that stay at home?
On the tips of their fingers or the palm of their hands.

(tee-hee-hee!)

These Past Few Days

2006-01-12T19:44:00.000-08:00

These past few days have been great. I stay busy, I go to the gym everyday, I do my homework every night, but I eat like a hog. I don't know what it is but I've been packing the food away. I feel bad about it, but soon I'll find a solution to that problem. So I'm not too worried.

Things are good, just not interesting enough to wright about. Right now I have the hic ups. That's the most exciting going on right now. Later. I'm going to sleep.

Today So Far

2006-01-06T10:15:00.000-08:00

The past few days I've been doing some little excercises. It's fun. 100 jumping jacks, then 50 sit ups, oblique things, and push ups. I hope it helps toget me toned. That and my soon near daily gym trips.

So ever Christmas break I gained 2 or 3 pounds. I'm sad and I feel like my lifeis ruined, but I'll get over it.

My sister went back to school today. I'm sad but at the same time I'm really happy. Now Idon't have to work around her. I can move in a direction I feel most comfortable moving.

Now I'm offto go buy school books. I fucking hate those things. They can go to hell with their glorious high pricedness. Mother fuckers.

Ta!

I Hate Fat

2006-01-04T19:33:00.000-08:00

I know this isn't the place to put this but I have to write it somewhere.

I hate being fat. I'm getting larger and larger by the day. I can feel my thighs shake when I move them. My arms look like two great big giant sausages. My clothes look big enough to to be tents.

I hate eating. I hate that when I start I can 't stop. I hate the downward spiral I'm on. I'm just feel like the biggest fattest failure ever.

I'm always the ugliest girl, the fattest girl, the girl nobody wants to date, and no matter what I do to make myself better - make up, weight loss, studying, organizing, learning perfectionism - nothing works.

I feel that no matter what I'm always going to be an overweight nobody. Bleh.

Another Update

2006-01-04T09:25:00.000-08:00

Not much has been going on these past few days. Just the same old holiday bad behavior.

Yesterday I drank another bottle of champagne for lunch. It was great untill after midnight. That's when the headache kicked in. I went to my friend Andrews house, he gave me two Alieve and then I just laid on the floor and in the back seat of his car in agony.

We went on this long ass drive out to the middle of nowhere. It was so depressing. I really got to see what urban sprall was like and I hate it. The place I live is a result of urban sprall, but the place we went was a very uncomfortable area. It was right on the fine line of sprall and rural. It was trying to be surburban, but it didn't quite pull it off at all.

We stopedto get gas and the place we went to was the only place open for miles. We pulled un into the gas station and I was like "Where are we," and he said "the middle of nowhere," and he turned the car around and we went home.

I, for some reason, could not relax. I was so tense. I thought my shoulders were gonna choke me. They just kept getting closser and closser to my neck.

I'm telling my day all backwards here. Before all this happened I met my sisters friends Marcus and Geoni.

Marcus is the husband of Geoni who is from Brazil. They are really cool people. They arent' afraid of conversation and certianly aren't afraid to ask questions. I really liked that about them. Their genuine curiousity about each individual they talk to. They were justas warm when Andrew showed up.

We talked about being black in America and being black in Brazil. We talked about the stereotypes that Americans have about Brazilians, especially about the girls, and other things that weren't so serious.

I found out that Marcus is in the same building Im in at school. My sister gave him my number and we'll be meeting up for lunch or something on some days. I think it should be fun. I'll learn to sharpen my social skills.

So I guess yesterday was good up untill I had that brain crushing headache.

I love this!

2006-01-02T19:02:00.000-08:00

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4.
The Master Cleanser - Stanley Burroughs
"10 oz. of fresh sugar cane juice (medium hot or cold)"

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can.
Okay.

3.What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Some part of Arrested Devolopment. I dont' like that show. Maybe if it was a cartoon I'd be more into it.

4.Without looking, guess what time it is:
9:45 pm

5.Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?
10:12 pm. My biological clock is a little off.

6.With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
the other computer. My mom's tv. I was listening to the Smiths but now I think it's going to be the Wu-Tang Clan. I love the Wu <3

7.When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
A few minutes ago to check the mail. I got my CD's. I was so happy! I got:
36 Chambers - Wu-Tang Clan
The Anthology - A Tribe Called Quest
Aja - Steely Dan
The Queen Is Dead - The Smiths
These are the CD's I always lose so I'm always re-buying them.

8.Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
Arrested Development. I hate that show.

9.What are you wearing?
below the hip jeans with a tight above the hip black turtle neck sweater so I look kinda hot.

10.Did you dream last night?
Of course. What I dremt about though...

11. When did you last laugh?
A few minutes ago at my sister. But I can't remember why.

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
paint.

13. Seen anything weird lately?
My brothers hair this morning. Whew!

14. What do you think of this quiz?
I can't think of it. I keep getting distracted by my stupid phone. I never get phone calls.

15. What is the last film you saw?
Metropolis. It's so good. I think I'm going to watch it agian tomorow.

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
My my mom a house, a car for my dad, pay for my and my sibblings university, PARTY!

17. Tell me something about you that I don't know.
I love pot.

18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
Eliminate religion.

19. Do you like to dance?
Only if I can dance really badly to new-wave.

20.George Bush:
What a dumb mother fucker.

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
Pomona or Inga if she's alone. Segrid and Ingrid if she's part of a set.

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
David. I love that name. Tobias is nice too. Or whatever his fathers name is. But only if his dad has a good name.

23. Would you ever consider living abroad? :
YES! I would love to live in Spain or Greece. They are two places I have to visit before I die. So if you're reading this and you're from Spain or Greece AND have MSN, message me at pinkheavenlysky@hotmail.com You can show me pictures and make me jealous :)

24. What do you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
I can't answer this because I'm such an atheist :-/

25. 4 people who must also do this meme in THEIR journal:
Somebody might do this. maybe. Probably not.

Sleep. Nap. Nap. Sleep.

2006-01-01T18:07:00.000-08:00

Today was one of those nothing-interesting-is-gonna-happen-so-don't-even-think-about-doing-anything-fun days. I ate too much. I slept too much. I didn't do anthing important but sleep in and take naps, and now I watching my brother "dance." It's pretty bad.

I haven't taken any pictures of me since I was at least 10 pounds heavier. I thik I'll take some tomorrow and post them.

Wow. I really didn't do anything today. I'm really thinking hard about something to put here.

Oh well.

Ta mates!

New Years Resolutions!

2005-12-30T21:18:00.000-08:00

I know nobody makes these things anymore, but I wanted to jump on the band wagon ten years too late. My resolutions aren't any diffrent from anybody else's, but I wanted to set some reasonable goals and make them. So here they are in no particular order:

1. Lose 15 pounds.
I'm not sure why I'm giving myself 12 months to lose 15 pounds. I can lose 15 pounds by the end of January if I try hard enough, but I want to be 15 pounds lighter by my birthday, and I want to be 20 pounds lighter by June. I can do that for sure. It's plenty of time and not hard.

2. Make at least one A each semester.
I didn't make any A's at all this fall semester. I was pissed about that. I'm used to getting at least one, even if it means that a grade else where has to suffer. So I will make at least one a every semester and no C's.

3. Get an internship.
I'm in my junior year of journalism studies and I have not gotten an internship. I need to have one or else I can't graduate. Here's an even more important reason: It looks so freakin cool to say that I have an internship at a good magazine or newspaper. That's bragging rights! I need some.

4. Get a new job.
Hmmm. Bet you haven't seen that one before. I don't need a job but I don't want to not have one. I need my own money. The place I work at is alright but I need a discount on something useful. Like clothing for instance. That would be fucking sweet! I know retail sucks but that's why other jobs are out there right?

That's all I can remember for now.

I'm starting of the new year with a cleanse. I'm going to do the Master Cleanser because by the time it's over I will only be one day into the new semester and I won't be distracted by food. Maybe if I'm good I'll do longer the the recomended 10 days. I hope so.

I think it's a good idea to start fasting at the new year. Get the body all nice and clean. It would be nice to start the year with a major achievement like that if I can do the whole ten days. More braging righs!

I am going totally crazy

2005-12-29T13:07:00.000-08:00

I've been stuck in a house with 3 other people who I only kind of like. I have to clean after all of them, and no personal space. It sucks.

I haven't been out much becuase I don't have money for boozin' it up at the bar. I got money for Christmas, but it was all from my favourite family members, so I've decided to spend it on books. Not a too bad decision considering I forgot to save the money to buy them in the first place.

I feel tense, kind of cabin feverish. I've spent too mcuh time here and I'm feeling sorta cracked. I don't want to hang out with people I normaly spend time with, but I don't know a good place to go to meet new people. To top it all off, being here for so long has imobilized my social skills and mental agility. Maybe even reversed them. I'm not sure if people are the right thing for me just now.

I have no idea what books will cost me, so earlier today I had planned on going to the bookstore tomorrow to record the ISBN number and price of my books. I think instead I will wasn my hair. It's been a while and it'll have plenty of time to dry.

Today, it is Christmas; but what about the yesterdays?

2005-12-25T13:48:00.000-08:00

This is not about Christmas. Christmas is today and although I have a good idea what it's going to turn out like, I'm not going to write about it untill after it happens.

These past few days have been fun. I've been spending way too much money, way too much time with my sister, and way too much time drunk. I think it was yesterday when Andrew, my sister and I went to some resturant while we were shopping and got stinking drunk. It was three o'clock and we drank two bottles of champagne. We did not eat food, and I drank straight from the bottle.

Every day has been the same thing - go out, get wasted, sorta sober up, go home. I thought I was gonna get sick of it and I am, but only because of my freakin sister! I wish she'd get her own friends so she wouldn't tag along so much. God she's like a ball and chain! It would be nice if I had a diffrent crew to spend time with as well. Change the scenery a bit.

I think this New Year will be great. I'm thinking of all the things I want to do and I'm just gonna do it. A few reached goals will put a new spin on life. Or at least mine, eh?

I'm off! It's time for The Annual Stuff Your Face Till You Puke Buffet Fest. I'm not all that excited, but I will be fasting soon. That should be worth something in the long run.

l473rZ! <-- How can people stand that shit.

God forsaken CRAP

2005-12-22T13:26:00.000-08:00

I bought In Times Before The Light. I thought I was getting good old fashioned black metal when instead I got the crappiest re-issue of the one of the best albums black metal has to offer.

The origional album that was recorded in 1995 was amazing. Very full of gituars and keyboards, dark, scary, cryptic, I even theink they had dragons in the studio with them just to give it that special touch. The song Monarch of the Mighty Darkness was so grim and evil (tee-hee-hee!) that it could have been what Shakespear was listening to while he wrote Hamlet. I loved it.

So I went to my favourite online store and bought was was titled "original recording re-issue." I thought it was great befcause I heard what was just simply called the "re-issue" and it sounded more like a re-mix. It was terrable. Wierd industrial things thrown haphazardly everywhere. It sounded like something that would be played in Hot Topic while a bunch of fat goth girls slathered on more black eyeliner and drew treason their face while tearing more holes in their fishnet stockings. I'm digressing.

Anyway, I bought the "original recording re-issue" and got the crappy Hot Topic version. I don't know how they fooled me. I guess that stupid band got my 13 dollars or however much I paid for it. It seriouslly is the worst album i've ever heard in my life.

You see, I liked this band when they were The Covenant with a C and the The Kovenant with a K. They had to change it to a K because there was a bit of a clask with a sweedish band that already called Covenant. My band, The Covenant had to change their name to The Kovenant to avoid any confusion. That was cool. It was just a name change. But then something changed and they started putting out crappy goth industrial shit. Shit shit shit. I'm using that word a lot today.

Anyhoo, dont' buy this album. I shal post a picture when I can look at the album art without puking. Ta!

More Rambling

2005-12-21T13:47:00.000-08:00

Today I did a little bit more house work. I think my mom will be impressed.

I got my Metropolis DVD in the mail today. I was pretty excited. I've never seen the movie in it's entirety and I'm going to tonight. My friend Aaron wants me to go to a party with him in Yipisi but I'm not sure if I'm up to it.

You see, last night I slept in some odd position and my neck killed me when I woke up this morning. Then a hour or so later I was picking a hair pin up from the floor when I pulled something in my neck. Now my neck hates me. I can't move it very far and there really isn't a point in having it today except for the fact that it attaches my head to the rest of my body. So fuck that. I really don't want to go to a party that's an hour away so I can drive home with a hangover and a sore neck.

My sister's getting on my nerves too. She thinks I'm going to do everything for her. She comes home and doesn't lift a finger. She hasn't cleaned anything since she's been here and she's driving my car and not putting any gas in it. I have no money right now and she's pretty much making my life miserable. I can't wait till she goes back to school but I got another month before that. So I have another month of cleaning up after three grown up babies instead of two. God I need to move back out.

I registered for classes today. That was pretty cool. I wasn't sure if I was gonna get any classes I wanted because I registered so late but I've gotten all the clases that I need so I'm pretty happy.

I've been eating a lot. One part is because I'm home everyday, another part because I'm stressed as hell. I don't have a private place for myself in this entire house so I go to food. I'm so lame. I just hope I don't gain a ton of weight. If I did my life would be over.

Well this turned out rather depressing. uggh. I hate my life. Sorry if you read this.

Done

2005-12-19T17:18:00.000-08:00

I finished my finals today. I'm not that proud of any of them. I filled in the blanks and left. I think I'm gonna top out this sememser with all C's. I've never done this poorly in school before. I'm bummed about that. But I am happy that schools gonna be over soon.

I'm going to the bar with some friends tonight. It should be fun. It's half off food so I won't be so compeled to drink if I'm picking at a burrito that I won't eat. I'm not drinking anytime soon.

I think tomorrow I'm gonna relax, read a book, then do the laundry. Most people dont' do laundry on their days off but i always do. Laundry is what I do only when I have time. When i spend an entire day washing, drying, and folding clothes then I know for sure I'm on vacation because I just have tones of time on my hands!

Ta!

Never should have went there!

2005-12-18T13:43:00.000-08:00

I got fucked up at my friends house last night. It's started off innocent enough, pot, ice cream; then it got too deep.

We went oug for ice cream bet smoked a few before we left. Then we got out ice cream (which BTW made me so sick because I'm not used to eating so much sugar at once these days) and then stopped at the liquor store to get Champagne. I bought one bottle and then we went home.

We get home and commence to drinking. I have three glasses of Champagne and one and a half shots of gin mised in juice. It was nice. Then we smoked again. Not a good idea for me because I hadn't eaten since the ice cream PLUS I didn't eat much befre I ate that.

I was so sick! I was laying on the floor in misery and I wasn't sure if I could walk. Eventually i got up and made my way to the bathroom where I threw up a little. I then went upstairs and laid on the couch for a really long time. Then Andrew and Brittany started looking for me and when they found me the situation was even worse. I was slobbering and couldn't talk and I had to puke so I did. It was gross. I felt like shit.

Everybody was laughing and they thought I was funny but at least they were happy. They teased me about it today.

Well, I'm going to eat mexican food now. Later

I really have no business being here.

2005-12-17T13:30:00.001-08:00

Back at this agian eh?

Well, there's nothing else to do right now. I just got out of the shower and I think I'm going to buy some more vintage dresses. Forget the fact that I need to save my moeny so I can go drinking on Monday, I want these dresses NOW!

Andrew called and we're going to hang out at his house later tonight. It should be fun. I'll bring the Champagne. God I love Champagne. Yes I know I'm spelling it with a capital c but that stuff really should be capitalized. Shit, I should write the whole thing in caps but I know people would get pissed so I guess I'll pass on that idea.

hmm, what else.

Horse! Horse. I got an offer. I turned it down. I like to indulge as much as the next guy but I think my limit is heroin. Heroin and coke. I've seen too many people turn into a bunch of babbling motor mouths because of cocaine. Heroin just seems borring. I bet many people would love to argue that but I don't want to hear that it's fun. My intrest is too eaily piqued.

I'm going to dedicate a good three hours to studying between now and Monday. I have to. I haven't cracked a single fucking book since thurdsay. I should get on that.

Well, I guess I'll go. I obviously have nothing to talk about.

Ta!

Blah, blah, blah

2005-12-16T13:25:00.000-08:00

So today was one of those productive yet devistatingly unproductive days.

I woke up late and cleaned my sisters room. I'd been using it since she was at school and I pretty much turned it into my own environment. My sister is clean and organized where I'm a dumpster woman. Nothing of mine is clean or organized ever. So I spent all day cleaning her room and now it's nice and spotless. I am happy.

I kind of have a headache. I ate some bread but it's not working to make it go away. I guess I'll take some advil or something.

Andrew comes home today. We were going to go to Vomit tonight but I have to work. I hate working. It prevents me from doing all sorts of fun things. The main reason I wanted to go out tonight was because I knew I wouldn't have to pay for drinks and stuff. All my friends are super nice and beyond generous and go out of their way so I can have a good time. I wonder what they get out of the relationship. I don't have that good of a personality, I'm not pretty, I'm not rich, I'm not famous or even popular. Hmm. Maybe I've actually me some really nice people and they just want friendship. I should take advantage of the situation and be a good friend in return. I think I'll bake cupcakes for them as a start. That's a nice thing to do right?

I have the wrath of god on my face. I don't know where it came from but when I was washing my face in the shower today I felt something stinging a bit on my chin and when I got out of the shower I saw that I had a fully grown glacier sized zit on my chin. It was quite disturbing. I'm going to go to Trader Joes tomorrow and buy some tea tree oil for it. I will zap that fucker in to pimple hell.

I haven't studied today. I should get on that. I have to read about 12 chapters out of my mythology book which is the size of a beast. I'l see how it goes. I also have to study for my spanish final. Did I already mention the listening/oral part of the exam? I'm sure I did.

I could babble on forever today. There is not point to this rambling. I just wanted to put something here. tata!

Gezus, did I say I'd do this everyday?

2005-12-15T11:13:00.000-08:00

So I looked out of the window this morning and was so excited because it was snowing. I like to shovel the snow because it's the only excercise I get most days this time of year... or anytime of the year for that matter.

So I put on a ton of clothes (and I mean a ton. A t-shirt, a polo, a sweater, a jacket, 2 pars of socks, 2 pairs of gloves, a pair of mittens and 2 pairs of blue jeans) and got to work.

It was nice being outside in the cold and doing physical work. My heart was pumping and the blood was flowing and after an hour of hard labor the driveway and sidewalk had been shoveled by ME!

I was so excited. I was was saying wonderful things to myself untill I turned around and saw that another half an inch had fallen. That was enough to shovel.

So I got back to work. Shoveling. Shoveling. Shoveling.

I hate it now.

I can't hate it too much though. I'm gonna be back out there in about two hours. God this sucks!

Today I ate the most delicious sandwich!

2005-12-14T19:41:00.000-08:00

So while expirementing in the kitchen I created a wonderrful sandwich.

I bought this special bread that is sold in the freezer section of health and gormet food stores. I can 't remember which one it was, but I used two slices (81 cals per slice)

One tablespoon of yogurt with an avacado slice, dill weed, dried parsley, and garlic salt all smashed and mixed together (33 cals)

I then marinated tofu in a soy sauce, garlic, and powdered ginger mixture (72 cals)

I spread the yogurt stuff on both sides of the bread an on it put the marinated tofu (minus the maranade) and then layered tomato and butter lettuce. I said butter lettuce NOT buttered letuce. Butter lettuce is a type of lettuce silly!

It's a pretty high calorie sandwich, by my standard at least, but if I know I'm gonna be busy all day and need some sort os sustinance this is great. The best 276 calories you'll ever eat :)

It Pleases Me...

2005-12-13T11:43:00.000-08:00

I think monday is my last day for school. I'm not sure when my final for mythology will be held, but it should be soon. Maybe like Next Monday or Tuesday. YES! I'm so happy about that. I'm also a little stressed because I hven't registered for classes for winter semester. I think all the classes for my department will be full. I hope I can get at least a few classes.

Going to the doctors today. I know I won't have to take any blood tests this time *whew* but I still dont' want to go. I'm just glad to be getting it all over with.

I think I'll do okay on my spanish final. The listening and oral part is tomorrow and I think I'll be alright. My paper for my mythology class is due tomorrow too and Ihavent started yet, but I'm not worried. I think I'll do good with that.

So I'm not sure what I'm gonna do with my life. I'm majoring in journalism and that's alright but I lack the self direction to become a sucess. I need some sort of schedule and I need somebody to hold me to it. Well, that's how I feel now. We'll see what happens when I start getting things published. Maybe seing something of mine published I'll feel the need to do more and more and more.

Back to the schedule though. I'm gonna buy a calender today and start filling in the dates with goals and such. I think that'll help me to do more work. I'm kind of a visual person and I need to see things in order for them to have validity. Yeah, I'll do that after I get back from my appointment. Good job Brandi! I know it's not much, buying a calender, but it's a start. I am pleased.

I don't wear make up

2005-12-11T17:18:00.000-08:00

I went out and decided to wear a little make-up. My mom was like "You look so nice; why don't you wear make up more often?" I told her I didn't because I don't have time to put it on everfyday but here's the real reason. It's a good one, but it is pretty superficial. Immagine that: a reason so superficial for not wearing make-up that it makes wearing make-up seem, well... deep.

I don't go out of my way to look nice everyday because I feel like I'd be decieving people. Particularly guys. If I dress up and wear make-up everyday and manage to get a boyfriend, what the hell is he gonna think when he sees me without it? He'll be so turned off. So I wear regular clothes and no make-up and if a guy sees me and likes me the way I am, then when I do dress up it'll be something special that I do for him.

I know it sounds lame, but it's true. I think it's a good reason though isn't it? I mean, it is right?

Fuck That

2005-12-09T17:12:00.000-08:00

So we're doing a scaled down version of the biggest loser at my job. I'm all about it because I love competitions. It starts sometime this month and goes untill the end of February. I want to lose 15 or 20 pounds which would put me at a nice 115 or 110 respectivly. I'm PUMPED! There is a 30 dollar per person entry fee which goes twards the jackpot so the winner will get paid nicely.

When I stopped by work earlier this evening I looked on the board and there was a flyer encouraging all that want to join the competition to sign up. I, of course, put my name down and asked a girl I worked with if she was going to sign up because I remember her saying she wanted to lose a few pounds. She didn't answer my question. All she said was "You're gonna do it? Why, so you can get even skinnier. You're wasting away!"

I hardly call 130 pounds wasting away. I'm really upset that she'd say something like that. Ever since I made the decision to get a grip on my weight, she and another guy I work with have been telling me to not lose weight. How do they figure they have the right to say stop-doing-this or stop-doing-that. Having them on my ass all the time makes me feel like a child and I already have parents.

I'd love to say it's jealousy but this guy isn't jealous of me at all (he lives the better life),and the girl is way way way way way prettier than me. So jealousy isn't the issue. I have no clue whatelse it may be.

Either way, I'm losing this goddamn heavy 20+ pounds and I'm gonna be happy. I'm doing this for me, not them. I just wish they'd be hapy for me.

I'm a little more emotional than most...

2005-12-08T10:51:00.000-08:00

Advanced Big 45 Personality Test Results

Gregariousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Sociability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Assertiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Poise	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Leadership	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Provocativeness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Self-Disclosure	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Talkativeness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Group Attachment	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Extroversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	48%
Understanding	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Warmth	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Morality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Pleasantness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Empathy	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Cooperation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Sympathy	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Tenderness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Nurturance	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Accommodation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Conscientiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Efficiency	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Dutifulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Purposefulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Organization	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Rationality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Perfectionism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Planning	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	52%
Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Happiness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Calmness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	78%
Moderation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Toughness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	82%
Impulse Control	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Imperturbability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Cool-headedness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Tranquility	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Emotional Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	60%
Intellect	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Ingenuity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Reflection	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	82%
Competence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Quickness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Introspection	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	82%
Creativity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Imagination	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Depth	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Openmindedness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	67%

Take Free Advanced Big 45 Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Factor		low score	high score
Gregariousness	30%	quiet, reclusive	engaging, socially bold
Sociability	54%	withdrawn, hidden	warm, open, inviting
Assertiveness	54%	timid, gunshy	controlling, aggressive
Poise	62%	uneasy around others	socially comfortable
Leadership	46%	stays in background	prefers to lead
Provocativeness	46%	modest, plays it safe	bold, uninhibited, cocky
Self-Disclosure	54%	private, contained	very open and revealing
Talkativeness	46%	quiet, stealthy, invisible	motor mouth, loud
Group Attachment	42%	loves solitude	prefers to be with others
Understanding	70%	insensitive, schizoid	respectful, sympathetic
Warmth	66%	disinterested in others	supportive, helpful
Morality	70%	break/ignore the rules	play by the rules
Pleasantness	70%	aloof or disagreeable	gets along with others
Empathy	66%	out of tune w/ others	in tune with others
Cooperation	66%	competitive, warlike	agreeable, peaceful
Sympathy	50%	socially inconsiderate	socially conscious
Tenderness	62%	cold hearted, selfish	warm hearted, selfless
Nurturance	46%	self pleasing, me first	people pleasing, me last
Conscientiousness	50%	reckless, unscheduled	careful, planner
Efficiency	42%	unreliable, lazy	finisher, follows through
Dutifulness	62%	leisurely, derelict	strict, rule abiding
Purposefulness	50%	inattentive, undisciplined	prepared, focused
Organization	50%	relaxed, oblivious	detail oriented, anal
Cautiousness	46%	impulsive, spendthrift	restrained, cautious
Rationality	66%	irrational, random	direct, logical
Perfectionism	54%	careless, error prone	detail obsessed
Planning	50%	disorganized, random	scheduled, clean
Stability	62%	easily frustrated	calm, cool, unphased
Happiness	58%	unhappy, dissatisfied	self content, positive
Calmness	78%	touchy, volatile	even tempered, tolerant
Moderation	54%	needs instant gratification	easily delays gratification
Toughness	82%	hypersensitive, moody	thick skinned
Impulse Control	66%	lacks self control	maintains composure
Imperturbability	42%	highly emotional	emotionally contained
Cool-headedness	46%	demanding, controlling	accommodating
Tranquility	54%	emotionally volatile	emotionally neutral
Intellect	58%	instinctive, non-analytical	intellectual, analytical
Ingenuity	58%	lacks new ideas	innovative, novel
Reflection	82%	unreflective, coarse	art and beauty lover
Competence	50%	slow to understand/think	intellectual, brainy
Quickness	74%	intellectually dependent	intellectually independent
Introspection	82%	not self reflective	self searching
Creativity	62%	dull headed	synthesizer, iconoclast
Imagination	90%	practical, realistic	dreamer, unrealistic
Depth	50%	lacks curiosity	mental explorer

Take Free Advanced Big 45 Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

I'm not the only one with a bad body image.

2005-12-05T19:00:00.000-08:00

My mom told me today that when she was in the 7th grade she only drank one can of grape juice for lunch because she thought she was fat. That's about the time when my eating disorder started. I think she was 11. The same age I started to realize I was a porker. The only diffrence was I was fat. I was something like 132 pounds when I was that age. She was 87. I think that should be my new goal.

Just Need to Start Anew

2005-11-27T18:07:00.000-08:00

Right now I have that icky feeling. You know the one. You clan't place it, don't know where it came from, when it'll go, or why it decided to creep up you at THIS moment (as if any other moment is okay). I used to get this feeling a lot when I was little and when I was in high school, but after about 18 I never felt it; Untill today.

I was talking to a friend and he's mad because I didn't go to the bar with him tonight. He was pissed because we had been talking aout going all week, but today I changed my mind because I'm studying for my spanish test. I told him that was the reason and he got so mad! So I called my friend kelly and this is when I get pissed.

I don't go out much. I'm introverted and unless someone approaches me I'm usually alone. I met my friend Kelly because he approached me and we had a lot in common so we hung out everyday until I moved back to the suburbs. He tried to be a good friend and called me everyday but I failed at calling him regularly, so we only talked every once in a while. Shcool started and I didn't talk much to any of my friends because when class was out I just wanted to go home. I hung out with Kelly only a few times and it was good, but latley he's been making me question what little bit of our friendship we hve left.

If I call him to hang out he gets kind of annoyed. Unless I tell him my friend Andrew or his friend John is comming along with me, Kelly is not interested in spending any time with me. I feel that he doesn't want to be around me because I'm not a gay boy! I'm sure of this much, but I'm not sure if it also has to do with me being a shitty friend. The answer should be obvious I guess, but since I don't want to be the reason he hates me I don't want to say it's me, and since I have low self esteem I want to say it's me because I'd rather take the blame for everything. Mybe I'm just sabotaging myself. I've been known to do that.

Also I have a bad relationship with food. I've been talking with a bunch of other people with the same issue but the athmosphere is diffrent now. I used to love going to the place to talk to everybody, but now I'm comfortable with the few people I talk to outside of this place. At first I didn't want to leave because I really felt that I needed it, but now I don't. I have things going on outside of this place and I just don't have time to be there anymore. I don't think it's helping me on my quest to become a more positive person. I wanna stay and talk because they've helped me with so many of my problems, but I really just need to go because now I'm feeling it's doing me more harm than good.

I'm also feeling kinda sad because school starts agian tomorrow. For some dumb ass reason my school thinks it's a good idea to have finals scheduled like a lot of european schools schedule their finals, and that's okay, but the european schools have about a month of vacation between semesters and my school only gives us a week. One week. What the hell am I supposed to do with that! How can I unwind from 15 weeks of back breaking stress in one week? It's absurd I swear.

Also my sister went back to U of M tonight and I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. I know it's only 45 minutes from here, but we're both busy and visiting at random is out of the question. Neither of us have enough time. I feel bad because I spent no time with her this thanksgiving break. I spent it all with Andrew. Idont' know why I did that. It didn't occur to me then but it does now. Why did I spend a bunch of time getting driunk with a person I don't talk to most part of a year instead of spending time with my sister. I'm gonna get out to see her this Friday. I don't like the idea of being a bad friend, but the idea of being a bad sister without trying is even worse.

I'm gonna get my priorities straight. I have to. I do all of these things that aren't good for me, I don't think about other peoples feelings, and then I wonder why life sucks. I'm going to try to get things together. I can't keep doing this. Some things about me won't change, but others will. Untill then, I'm gonna continue to study for this test... if I don't have a mental breakdown first. It's strange how I can feel them comming up on me.

Acid Reflux and Stress Related Ulsers

2005-11-22T07:08:00.000-08:00

That's why I missed school last thursday according to my doctor. I was a little upset. How could I have acid reflux? I understand ulsers, I'm completly swamped, but acid reflux... He gave me some medication but the last thing I want to do is take it. I don't know why, but I just don't. I"m scared of medication. Maybe I'll just fast.

My scale is wrong. It was saying I weighed 140 but I actually weigh 135. I bought a new scale and restricted like a mother fucker all weekend long. All my work was undone when I went to Olive Garden on Sunday. Olive Garden is my weekness! It's not real italian food, but it's good. I ate breadsticks and then a giant plate of something. I can't remember the name. It was one of like, 2 vegitarian meals. I skipped out on cake. I just couldn't do that. Damn good food though.

Thanksgiving is comming up and that's cool. I'd rather not spend days with my family but it's better than school. Andrew's comming home. I'm excited about that. We're supposed to see Adult on Friday but I'm not so sure if that'll happen becaue I have to work... I think.

I'm feeling the acid reflux right now. Bleh.

I'm in class too. Bleh.

I hope I get a dog for christmas. I want a pet more than anything. I need something to love. Wow that was sappy! But I really want a dog! I want one that's big, smart, short hair, and friendly.

Wow. We have an inclass assignment to write about dogs. YAY! I love this :)

How Do I Ask Him Out?

2005-11-21T11:17:00.000-08:00

So I met this guy. He's great. Really smart, very good looking, super nice, and shier than me. I want to call him and ask him out just to hang for a little while but I don't know how. I'm so silly. I don't know how to do this. I'm gonna be in his area untill 7 today. He hasn't called me, adn I know he hasn't cause I haven't caled him! What to do. Well, I could start by not being a tard and just call him but that's dificult. Oh lordy people what do I have to do to get a boyfriend? What kind of girl do I have to be? I hope I can give can come back and write about how we went out and talked and had a good time. Geezus.

Aborting Homework Duties

2005-11-15T20:18:00.000-08:00

So I'm pretty sure my mom is sick of me. I got the feeling she didn't want to be bothered with me today and I'm okay with that, she worked a long day, but it still makes me feel bad :(

I tried on a bunch of clothes from when I was at my lowest adult weight the other day and they were all too big!! I was so happy because now I know I'm finaly getting thinner. I tried on this Betsy Johnson dress that I nearly broke my neck for and it is now too big. I'm happy, but kinda sad. I paid a lot of money for that dress. Anyway, I'm gonna go to the Betsy Johnson store when Andrew gets back and we will get stoned and act like fools raping the BJ boutique and LaCoste. We spend too much time shopping and getting high... or not enough.

God I remember this one time we got kicked out of a store for trying on shoes and pretending to skateboard all over the furniture. Normally this would just be seen as random teenage immaturity but we were 21 and in Louis Vuitton. We are NOT allowed back. Not that I want any of that generic shit.

I'm going out friday to this party called Vomit. I'm pretty excited. Gonna drink organic lime gin gimlets with Isaac and just have a marvelous time! I'm not sure what to wear though. I'm thinking anything with sequince (not nice, but awful sequince for anti-fashion purposes) or neon green. Maybe faux fur??? It's obvious that I'm gonna be spending a lot of time thrifting for that perfect friday night frock all day on thursday. Wish me luck :)

I always steal these! I can't help it.

2005-11-14T12:23:00.000-08:00

Your Beauty lies
in Contradiction. Controversial, unpredictable, and
never what anyone expects.
You appearance and your personality are two
opposite things. Even your
appearance sends different signals to different
people. To some you may look
innocent and sweet, to others you look mysterious
and intimidating at the same
time. No one ever knows what to expect with you.
You are a little bit of
everything all mixed together. You can be watching
the football game with the
guys one minute and the next out shopping at the
mall. You seem to be almost a
different person every time you meet someone, but
at the same time you know
exactly who you are and there is always that one
thing that makes you you. You
enjoy keeping people guessing and people love how
completely unpredictable you
are.

Some Things
That Represent You:

Element:
Fire, Water Animal: Chameleon Color:
Dark Tones, Light
Tones Song: Everything by Alanis Morriesette
Expression:
Half-smile

Gemstone:
Opal Mythological Creature: Gryphon,
Half-breeds Planet: Mars Hair
Color: Red Eye Color:
Brown

Quote:
"Appearances can be deceiving."

Where Does Your Beauty Lie? ..::Original Pictures Are Back! Detailed Results::..
brought to you by Quizilla

The half smile thing is totally me.

100 Things

2005-11-12T16:48:00.000-08:00

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
It was a failed attempt at running on the ice

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
I don't really have a room. I sleep all over. A vagabond in my own home.

3. WHAT DOES YOUR CELL PHONE LOOK LIKE?
a piece of trash. i had this dude color all over it with marker and it started to come off, so I covered it with clear nail polish. I can't wait to get a new one.

4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LIKE TO LISTEN TO?
As of late, Brazilian funk. So nasty!

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
7:40 am

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
for school to be over and for a really cute nice boy to ask me out. I think I'm asking too much.

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?
I miss being happy in summer time. I can be happy anytime, but summer time is the best time to be happy :)

8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION?
ummm. my tight sweater :)

9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SMELL
clean and nothing. I don't like sented stuff, and I dont like stink.

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
i dot feel that mcuh

11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
not really

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
myself. I can say some really awful things

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOGNE / PERFUME?
NONE

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX
no biggie. As long as it's cool.

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO?
nowhere. I'm not the marying type.

16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINKS?
Coffee. Sugar sucks.

17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
I don't to eat pizza, but I like it cheesy and saucy. Wow, that sounded like a review to some lame off-Broadway production.

18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW WHAT WOULD IT BE?
nothing. To be honest, I regret everything I ate today.

19. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
My crazy ass manager when she hugged me this morning. What the hell was she thinking? I like hugs but not from her.

20. DO YOU SPEAK A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE?
I wish.

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU (OF THE OPPOSITE SEX)?
Like, from a guy that was in trested in me? NEVER. I look like a troll.

28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
IDK. I hope not. THat would be the worst heart break, the one you expect.

29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?
IDK. I never really do it unless I'm totally comfortable with that person. A lot of times I want to tell people how much they mean to me but i'm kinda scared that I'll scare them off.

30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED :
the first number to come to my mind was 90 million thousand. no joke. That's why I suck at math.

31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
are you callin me a name?

32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL OFTEN?
home

33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
SCALES!!! Why do I let them run my life?

34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE US?
Yeah.

35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
cakes, cinnamon rolls from Charlies, chocolate almosd crossants from that french place round the corner. i love it all.

36. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Pontiac Michigan

37. FIRST JOB?
catering with my uncle

38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
Yeah, i called this guy and told him i was the manager to a really fancy resturant in the area and told him he won a free dinner for 2. all he had todo was bring his ID for verification, ask for the manager (whom i was pretending to be) and we'd seat him and his guest in the best spot! he totally bought it.

39. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED OUT THIS SURVEY?
Posting on message boards.

40.IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY WHAT WOULD IT BE?
boob reduction and a lift. I'd hate to finally get smaller boobs only to have flacid smaller boobs. sexy.

41. WHY DID YOU FILL OUT THIS SURVEY?
borred

42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
I don't really get them. Oh, my smile.

43. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL?
nothin. I don't drink much anymore. I'd consider opening a basement bar for my friends though. Run a lucrative bath tub gin facory in my house.

44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
freinds to tell me happy birthday and mean it :)

45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT?
I'd like to adotp 2 or 3.

46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
i was named after the Brandy song. I spell it with an i.

47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
no

48. WHICH FINGER[S] IS YOUR FAVORITE?
never thought about it.

49. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?
a few weeks ago.

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
I never really paid it much attention

51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
all

52. ANY BAD HABITS?
I think purging counts.

53. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF?
jagged little pill

54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
prolly not.

55. HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL?
yes

56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
yeah. You'd think I was super superficial, but i do believe that personality is like 75% of attraction. Looks make up the other 25%. A C on a test isn't tooo bad but shit, wouldn't you rather have an A?

57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
thinking about things that hurt physically because actually hurning myself... hurts.

58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?
cyber space.

59. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY?
sure?

60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
lip gloss. barbies. books.

61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
I dunno

63. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Lord yes!! I love the stuff.

64. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT?
yes and got kicked out for getting too tough. I'm serious as a heart attack on that one.

65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
IDK. I'm clueless. Really. I don't know.

66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
Bran, Juniper, looser, hey you.

WHERES # 67?!?
I have no clue

68. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
no. I'm too lazy for that non-sense. I wouldn't unstrap velcro shoes.

70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
peppermint stick ohhhh god. That stuff is as god as an orgasm. a very long lasting, cold and sugary sweet orgasm :)

72. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE COLORS?
Deep greens, firey reds, orange.

73. do you like Heather Bierlair?
who?

74. WHO/WHAT DO YOU MISS MOST RIGHT NOW?
that cute boy in my class

75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
meh.

76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
the hum of the other computer.

77. LAST THING YOU ATE?
I puked it up (tee-hee-hee!)

78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Don't remember. MY SISTER!

79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?
mouth. I like kissing, and I like nice teeth.

82. FAVORITE DRINK?
fresca, cadilac margaritas, anything with lime and gin.

84. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SPORT?
sitting.

85. HAIR COLOR?
dark brown

86. EYE COLOR?
dark brown

87. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES?
yes

88. SIBLINGS?
yes. one of each and they're both younger than me.

89. FAVORITE MONTH?
February. October.

90. YOU LIKE SUSHI?
yes.

91. LAST THING YOU WATCHED? ??
some PBS "comertials."

92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
First day of summer. Always end up doing something retarded. Late tme it was the pagan festival where I walked in the park all stoned and took pictures of trees.

93. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
yep. VERY shy.

94. SUMMER OR WINTER?
I like them both.

95. KISSES OR HUGS?
kisses!!!

96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
relationships

97. WHO IS THE MOST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
losers like me

98. WHO IS THE LEAST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
people who justifiably think these things are obnoxious

99. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING?
Blood Justice, and other school books.

100. WHERE DO YOU WORK?
I hate work

if you made it this far...well...i don't know what to say... maybe I'd say something like,you don't have to pretend to be intrested or why are you still here or did you like the typos? Cause im not proof reading this.

On Vacation (a baaad rant)

2005-11-10T07:16:00.000-08:00

I need a break. Right now I feel as though I have no control over anything. All of my bad habits, puking particularly, have gotten worse in an attempt to gain control of something. Anything really. I don't have the abiltiy to see things in a positive light and it's making me really sad.

I've been down for a while and it's getting a little bit worse everyday. I thought it was just the blues but I think I'm getting sucked back down into that blackhole that I was in a few years ago. I don't like being there because I can't feel like anything is worth living for. Not myself, not my mom, not my sister or even my brother. I Just don't see the point. More accuratly I can't feel, and most days I don't want to live. I thank god (I use the term loosely) for my curiousity. It's the only thing keeping me from jumping off a cliff.

I got into a minor car accident yesterday. I felt really shitty about it. I know it happens but it made me feel like a failure. I scored 15% higher than the class average on my art history mid-term. I should have been really happy about that but I only got a 50%. The class average was a 35. I just feel so shitty today. And to think it's only gonna get worse because I have to go to work this weekend... I don't think I can handle this. I need a long break from life. I wish I could just go into a coma.

Reality Check

2005-11-09T21:55:00.000-08:00

Who am I kidding I'm a fucking mess. What was I thinking?

I dress up

2005-11-09T18:43:00.000-08:00

I dress up if I'm gonna talk to a cute boy. I did today. I feel so stupid because I only said like, two things to him. Even those 2 things were hard to say cause I'm SHY AS HELL!!! The only reason I talked to this guy was becuse I promised two of my angels that I'd say something. I did. I'm silly. I'm happy. I'm in like!!!

Another day down, the rest is history

2005-11-08T06:45:00.000-08:00

I was freaking out because last week I ate like a fat man at a free buffet. I thought that I'd gain some weight, a lot of weight, becuase my "normal" eating habits are a little "unusual" and I thought that eating 1100 to 1700 calories a day would cause me to gain at least 3 pounds. To me this is a lot. I'd freak out. I took some "food expeller" and I was suprised to see that I havent gained any weight at all. I think I amy have lost a half pound or so. That would be cool.

Writing this in class agian. I don't know why they put computers in every freakin class room. I always end up not paying attention.

I don't wanna stay at school all day today. I want to go home and chill. Maybe read a book, take care of my brother...

OH SHIT! he's reading my paper to the class. I'm gonna freak out. I gotta go. I'm gonna cry. He likes it, but it's really personal. oh man,

One of my Faves

2005-11-06T19:20:00.000-08:00

Thrown By Angry Jove

Sheer o'er the crystal battlements; from morn
To noon he fell, from noon to dewy eve,
A summers day, and with the setting sun
Droped from the zenith like a falling star,
On Lemnos, the aegean isle.

I love Milton for that one. I read it over and over because I never get tired of it. How can he make being thrown down a moutian by ones mother because she thought the chiled was ugly sound so romantic. I guess I could learn a thing or two from him. I'm far from articulate.

Quiz Results.

2005-11-05T16:36:00.000-08:00

You are a
Social Liberal
(65% permissive)

and an...
Economic Liberal
(31% permissive)

You are best described as a:

Democrat

Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid
Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

Update

2005-11-03T06:52:00.000-08:00

Not much has been happening. I got my first A this semester. That was kinda cool. Next sememster I am not going to take more than 12 credits. This sememster I took 14 (the most I've ever taken) and I'm overloaded. To make things even worse all my teachers told me that my classes were going to require more studying than the credits reflected. So It's really more like 18 credits. PLUS I work.

That sounded like a little bit of a rant! I'm not mad though. I'm happy. I really am. I hate school and work but outside of it I'm so filled with joy :) I'm reading lots of books. All of them are school books (7 total), but they are interesting.

My mythology class is the best! I love it. It's so interesting to see how modern religions are related to the religion of the ancient greeks. The culture is unique, the religion is unique, the literature is unique. I love it all.

I became an ovo-lacto vegitarian. I ate some meat after my fast and it tore me up!! I didn't like the way I felt afterwards so I gave it up. I eat fish. I don't understand how people say they're vegitarians but still eat fish. Fish is flesh. Before I made the swich I argued this all the time.

Well, class is over. I guess I will have to update later.

CHANGE OF PLANS

2005-11-01T15:11:00.000-08:00

Fasting has given me a lot of time to think about things. While going through this cleansing process I learned a great deal about myself.

The most time was spent thinking of my destructive eating habits. For the past 11 years I've been killing myself willingly. I'll admit, when I started this fast I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. I was trying to make ill out of something good. My intentions were foul but while not eating I had an epiphany. It was deep. I cried.

From now on I'm going to end my slow suicide and live the way life was ment to be lived. I'm not going to worry about the petty things and I'm going to concentrate on what is important.

I know it won't be easy (or maybe it is who knows) and I'm going to lose a lot of friends, but my new way of living HAD to start today.

I broke my fast. I had to. I was hiding behind it. It was an everyday word taking the place of a curse. I'm not going to curse myself any longer. I'm going to be satisfied with me and that's the end of this story.

20 Made-Up Questions Answered!

2005-10-27T18:43:00.000-07:00

1. I want kids but I don't want to get pregnant
2. I don't want to get married but I would like some kind of long term relationship
3. I competed in pagents in the younger years and hated it!
4. My tastes in music are very particular, but I'm not an elitest/hipster
5. I love art history
6. I love clasic literature
7. I've only had one boyfriend
8. I'm scared to eat apples and fruit in general now that I think about it
9. I have two sibblings that are way cooler than me
10. I have a thingfor the color green
11. According to me and my friend Isaac, Lime Gin Gimlets are like gin filtered through diamonds
12. I love sarcasm <3
13. Damsel and Rachii are my favorite angels :)
14. I wear glasses
15. I am the worlds largest walking bruise
16. I'm the master convincer
17. I am the Optimus Maximus, bow down to me
18. I'm born on the same day as George Washington
19. I like the number 92. It's very special to me
20. I want to die with my eyes open

There you go! I'm sure that's everything youwanted to know about me plus some. I'm off to go study Roman Architecture. Let's hope I can keep all that information in my tiny, tiny skull.

I'm tarded

2005-10-22T17:36:00.000-07:00

I'm so stupid. I'm 22, in college, make fairly good grades, yet I can't keep track of a freaking house key. I had to break into my own goddamn house. It was kinda funny (tee-hee!) Here's the story:

I pull into my driveway some time last week after a really long bad day at school. It's about 9 or something so I'm expecting somebody to be home. My little brother in particular because he's more addicted to the computer than me, but the whole frickin house was empty. NONE of the lights were on. All I could think was "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck."

I'm too stupid to realize that a key chain would benifit me, but being dumb worked to my advantage tonight (kinda); I remembered that I'd forgotton to give my garage door opener to my mom! I pushed the button, the garage opened, and I got the ladder.

The ladder was a good idea, but swinging around an 11 foot peice of metal through my electric wire infested back yard was not such a good idea. I didn't realize this untill it was ALMOST too late. I was trying to find some steady ground to put the laddar when I saw the beautious moon, the wire, and the ladder all very close to eath other. I relized that I had to be careful if I wanted to make it inside the house and NOT on the moon. Yeah, i know it's a bad pun but that is seriouslly what I was thinking.

So anyway, I slapped the ladder on the side of the house and proceded to climb. it was so fucking scary. I didn't realize that it's hard to see where the "feet" of a ladder ar in the dark. I put one foot in a hole in the ground and the other one on a plant (oops). So after moving it around 50 or 60 thousand more times I finally found a not sooo dangerous spot. Climbed again. Was scared agian because the thing was wobbeling. As a child, watching construction workers climb ladders gave me confidence. They moved up and down those things as though they were escalators. In reality though, it was like walking up a bunch of straws. The thing shakes everytime I move!

So I get to the top, magically unlock the window to my sisters bedroom and quite literaly FELL into the house. I fell over everything. The couch, the stereo, the bed, all the shit on the floor; I even got the bruises to prove it. So after all that i walk by broken ass down the steps to the front door and who pulls in the driveway? My mother. All she says is "How many times do i have to tell you to keep the garage door closed!" I didn't say a word.

I wish I could have been there!

2005-10-12T14:42:00.000-07:00

Oh how I wish I could tell you the story that goes with it but I can't. All I can tell you is my mom and my sister met Paul Rusesabagina last night. He was at U of M recieving an award. I'm not sure which one, but aparently it was a super special one that hadn't been given out in a while.

The hall the presentation was held in only holds 400 people, but so many people showed up they had to haul overflow in a diffrent bulding. Something like 1500 people showed up to see him. My mom and sister almost had to go to the other building but somehow managed to sneek in and watched him give his speech from BACKSTAGE!

Much of the audience praised him for the work that he did keeping saving people from getting masacared, but of course you always have the jerk that stands up and says "You didn't tell the whole story in Hotel Rwanda. How do you feel about that?" This guy was talking about the hostage situation. Mr. Rusesabagina had to send out a few people every once in a while for the rebels to kill in order to save the majority of the people in the hotel. It was a sad sacrifice and a tough choice but he had to make it. His response was "I couldn't tell the whole truth. The movie Hotel Rwanda only showed tiny part of the things that took place when the rebels were in charge. There were things that happened months before we were traped in the hotel, and things continued to happen months afterwards. There is no way that the entire truth could have been told in only 2 hours." What a perfect response. I don't even know why that guy bothered to ask that question. Mr. Rusesabagina's parents, brother, and sister-in-law were all murdered by the rebels. He expirenced loss like everyone else.

My mother and sister shook his hand and hugged him. They said he was friendly, smart, and encouraging. I didn't go with them last night because I had to much homework. A first I was didapointed that I missed seeing such an amazing person in the flesh, but after a while I think he would have asked why I didn't finish my school work.

Brandi needs...

2005-10-11T17:49:00.000-07:00

Now before I start I'm going to predict whet I need:

1-5: a bunch of drink recipes because some dumb fuckers can't spell brandy or were too drunk to spell it correctly
or
People looking to give up their dogs since everybody and their goddamn grandma has a dog named Brandi.

Actually I'm not sure what's it's gonna say I need, so let's get straight to it.

Brandi needs:

1. Your positive vibes
2. Needs and wants a perminant family
3. A home
4. Medication twice a day
5. Ear ablations in both ears, a cherry eye repair, and other diagnostic tests

I was right. Everybody has a fucking dog named Brandi. Well, I do like to greet people as soon as they come home. I enjoy frequent walks, and I do need medication but nobody needs to give it to me. I can self medicate pretty good. I'm not exactly a stray but I am single sooooo... maybe. I guess I'm up for adoption?

I'd like to appologize

2005-10-10T13:21:00.000-07:00

Tracy, I'm sorry about the bad things I said about you. I'm a bitch. I'm so sorry. From now on I'll keep my complaining mouth shut. All I knew was I was offended, I never thought that I would be offending anyone else by ranting. I take back everything that I said. I really do.

On a diffrent but similar note, that same looser came in today and said I was sensitive. "I made a harmless little joke and now you're all bent up about it." Actually by this morning I was some what over it. I was pissed as hell, but I got over it because I considered the source of the comment. The guys a looser. But I was angry agian because he figures that I shouldn't be offended. He pissed me off and now I'm the bad guy. That made me mad.

Also I was angry at a girl I considered a friend because she did nothing to console me when I was angry yesterday. She just sat there. And to think of all the time I spent listening to her cyring about when her dumb ass boyfriend broke up with her, and how I put up with her interupting me and acting like my problems were less important than hers... well, I just learned a lesson. I put her on the shit list with the other guy. Hmm.

I'm kinda glad now. It's funny how I feel happy now that I've dumped people. I hope this isn't the new trend for me.

Offended and Hurt

2005-10-09T08:47:00.000-07:00

Today I was in a really good mood while I was at work. That is a rare thing because I really hate working, but I was really happy. Well, we have this regular named Scott that comes in and freaks everybody out. We never know how he's gonna act. Some days he's close to normal, other days he's off the walls. Today he was at least three times more obnixous than he normally is. I just wanted to get him out of the store but he stayed and talked really loud and wanted us all to say "Pontiac Crack Whore" at the top of our lungs. I was irritated. Then he comes up to me holding a CD in his hands saying "It's you it's you!" I couldn't see who the artist was because the he was looking at the front of the CD and I could only see the back. I said "What CD is that," and when he turned it around it was Tracy Chapman. I was offended. Actually offended wasn't the word. I was mortified. He pretty much called me an ugly dyke. I told him he better not talk to me agian. He tried to appologize in his own twisted way once he realized I was offended, but the dammage had been done.

I'm already overly concious of how I look. People can say what ever thay want about my personality and I don't care, but say something about my physical apperance, something bad specificly, and I'm broken. It is the general consesus that Tracy Chapman is ugly. He called me ugly. That was it. It just confirmed how I think everybody sees me.

When I got home today I cried and I feel like crying agian. Do I really look that bad? Well, I guess I do. Now more than ever I feel like seperating myself from the rest of the world. I don't even want to go outside. I'm disgusted, angry, and now uglier than ever.

I wonder if physical damage hurts the virtual pet.

2005-10-06T21:44:00.000-07:00

Just can't stop this feeling

2005-10-05T20:33:00.000-07:00

I am hungry all the time. I've never been so hungry. I added an extra 400 calories to my diet (by accident) and I still feel starved. Even the people around me have noticed. My mom was like "Brandi, you're eating like it's going utta style!" I'd say I'm eating like it's the new big thing and going on sale. I think today I toped out at 1100. I suck. The weight I lost is gonna come back at me double. *shudders* I can't handle the idea of gaining a pound let alone 30. I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I'm fluffity, I'm puffity. 1 2 3 4 5!

2005-10-04T06:41:00.000-07:00

You Are A: Frog!

Independent yet still part of a large community, frogs are unique creatures known for their distinctive sound and ability to hop. As a frog, you spend your days sitting on lily pads or climbing trees, searching for delicious insects to eat. While there are some frogs that aren't exactly cute, you are certainly not one of those!

You were almost a: Kitten or a Turtle
You are least like a: Parakeet or a Duck Cute Animal Test!

Good lord my life is a mess

2005-10-03T19:20:00.000-07:00

Why on gods green earth did I decide to wait till tonight to start a paper I know will take me at least 3 hours to finish? Why. Because I'm the master procrastinator, the put offer of important jobs till the absolute last secind-er, or because I spent one straight hour eating!!! OMFG.

I met a new friend named Mark. He's super cool, but he thinks I don't eat enough. He told me this on the second day of hanging out :\ Well what are the odds. Maybe if I wasn't a fat heffer I'd believe him. Maybe he was trying to flatter me...

I got a tattoo. You're gonna effin love it! xoxo

I read too much greek

2005-09-28T19:02:00.000-07:00

So I wrote a poem. It's not done yet because I like for my poems to have lots of frilly language. Actually I'm gonna post two. I'll put them here then I'll write an explination so nobody gets too confused:/ The first one doesn't have a title because I keep forgetting to give it one. The second one is pretty much done. I can't think of any thing else to make it better; better as in not overdone. I can't post either on here the way they should really be seen, I have no clue how to use HTML and stuff. Anyway, here it goes:

Poem #1
On my journey East I see her
Darkness
sprang up, covered the sky
Days Face
except one part, The Moon
Day's Eye
so he can see what we're doing

Matricide

Prosperity had on a shore now leaks black rot

Our demise is hasten by excessive intrusiveness

Blindly creating blight and inventing what is disgusting,
our cruel practices reciprocate animosity.

The elastic rusts on the edges of an abandoned agreement that was never joint, shows the unnatural activities on this mother

And even this tree, not touched by gods hands but ours, misplaced,
feels the confusion, wilts.

A drop of water leaks not to drip, but to purify our coveting souls.
A single soul untouched

A sacred contract broken

The first thing I wanna do is appologize because the only person that sees any beauty in these poems is me. The first poem I though of one day while driving home. I had just gotten out of my mythology class and I was thinking of binary opposites (I think that's what it's called) and so naturally I began to think of night and day. I saw the sun setting and thought of the most abstract way to describe it because I need to work on being more creative (and empathetic, compassionate, etc but that's another post). I really don't find the sun to be all that interesting so I thought it would be best to describe night, hence this poem.

The second one is kind of a protest maybe; maybe more of a wake up call. I am growing increasingly upset with the condition of the planet. We treat the earth like shit. How can we polute something that nutures us so well? It asks for nothing in return, gives in abundance yet we throw our cigaretts out the window, drop plastic in the grass, churn black smoke into the clean air, and re-use nothing. I'm all emotional right now, you should see me. I guess I could work on being more green too because I drive every day:(

Anyway, that's it. Those are my explantions. Leave a comment and help me think of a title for the one poem. It really needs one. I'm thinking of calling it something along the lines of night being swift and dark and stuff. xoxo

Beautiful Sayings To Make You Sound Smart if you don't already speak 3 languages.

2005-09-27T16:33:00.001-07:00

"Farewell brave soul, and may your future gleam as bright as shines your courage now!" - Aristophanes

"As we know life in ourselves we want to understand life in the universe in order to enter into haromony with it." - Schweitzer

"Art is like ham, it nourishes the soul." - Diego Rivera

"You smell like butt!" - Happy Bunny

I like these quotes. They are all inspiring in their own way.

The first one is the one I think about when I'm half way through a task I don't want to finish. Like tonight for instance. I'm cramming for two tests. Everything is calling for my attention. Even stuff I never noticed before.

The second one is what I try to live by. It's true in every way. As we grow and become more knowledgeable (no matter the subject) we must know how things work around it. It might be good for you to leave the house at 10:29 for your 10:30 appointment, but you must consider traffic, distance, etc. It's the same with human relationships as well.

The third I've always have a gripe with (pork is not nourishing. I mean, have you seen Diego Rivera?) but it's true for Sr. Rivera. His art was what kept him going everyday, not the women he slept with, not his political views, not even his wife who loved him more than she loved herself. It's inspiring to me because we all need something that we are passionate about. Living as a Jack-Of-All-Trades is borring. One will never be of any significance if they know a little of everything and specialize in nothing.

I shouldn't even have to explain the last one. Happy Bunny is the worlds most disgruntled rabbit and I just gotta love him. Everything mean I've ever wanted to say Happy Bunny has said and in a way I'm jealous that a rodent is better at describing my own emotions than I am. oh well.

I hope you all find a little something in these quotes. I did. Wish me luck with this stupid school work.

Things

2005-09-26T13:26:00.000-07:00

I like to make lists. I don't know why because I almost never use them. They're great time killers though. I made a list of things to do to day but even now in the early afternoon... well almost evening, I've deviated.

I was supposedto eat breakfast today but I didn't. I didn't have time. I had to be at work at 6am so that ment I had to be out of the house by 5:45 at the latest and of course I slept in. So I couldn't eat untill I got back home at 11:30. I had posted a list on my wall of things to take to school with me but I guess I didn't look at it because if I had I did I would have realized that I didn't pack my spanish homework (bummer).

I went to my spanish class today (yay) and fell asleep (boo). I've only fallen asleep in class twice since I began college and this was time number 2. The guy that sits next to me laughed because he thinks I'm super smart and responsible. I keep telling him not to put me on a pedistal like that because when he gets to know the real me he'd be disapointed. Mehh. Notmy problem.

I felt bad about sleeping in class but I was fucking tired. Mondays are my longest days. I get up at 5 am and usually don't see the bed 'till about midnight. It's kind of like the catch up day for me. Everything I didn't do on the weekend I have to do on Monday. I use it to plan out the rest of the week, and it's also my self assigned house cleaning day.

I hate Monday but sometimes I wish it was longer so I could study more. I have 2 tests and a paper due this week. I'm not looking forward to that. Nor am I looking forward to missing my Thursday classes. I'm going out of town see, and I like that but I hate missing class! How am I supposed to teach myself about all the details about ancient art if I don't go to class... or have the book. The paper I'm not so worried about. I'm gonna do it on a building in Pittsburg. I'm not sure who the architect is, or if it's actually a building. My sister says it's some kind of circus. I hope it works out. I have to sit through a bazillion lectures and I'm sure all the speakers will be using all kinds of architectural slang and jargon that I just won't understand. Wish me luck.

My lips are chapped. Does anybody know how to un-chap chapped lips? They're driving me crazy! A headache remedy would be nice too. bye

The Most Pretentious of Fags

2005-09-25T18:46:00.000-07:00

I went to a house warming on Saturday for some girl named Dolores or something. She was bragging about all the traveling she did in South America and how her dad was righ and she was a film major and blah, blah blah. Her roomate even had a coppy of the Comunist Manifesto on top of a bunch of other lesser known leftist political reads (lame).

They walked around with their tight pants, bad haircuts, and semi awful attitudes, listening to their shitty indy music and ignored me Patricia and my sister. Okay I take some of that back. They seemed like nice poeple but I could tell that they were kind of the social climber types. I was jsut annoyed that me and my girls were ignored because we looked really hot. Really we did. They could have at least talked to Patricia. She has the sexiest accent ever! Plus she's super pretty. I bet she looks good on a bad day.

I don't have any pictures because I didn't take any, but patricia did. I just have to get in touch with hera nd maybe she can send them to me.

I wanted this to be about how annoying pretentious hipster fags are but it's not going in that direction. Actually I'm not sure what direction this is going in, so I might as well end it now. Off to spanish homework!

Most terrable of dreams

2005-09-23T09:09:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a dream that all of us had to watch our next steps. We were all stuck and couldn't leave so we were forced to fear for our lives. I think the most disturbing part was life had to go on. People still had to work to earn money so they could eat. Things were exploding and nearly everything was on fire. Maps were useless because everything was changing constanty. If you saw something at X spot, it wouldn't be there the next day. Even in my dream I was sad and scared. I couldn't find my family, shelter wasn't an issue because if one stood in a spot long enough it would get bombed so sleep wasn't an option. The ickiness of it all is still with me.

When I woke up this morning I I felt bad about being fortunate. I have everything; a family, a home, food that I don't eat, a option to recieve a good education, free time, and happiness if I'm not beating myself up. I think that what I need to do is stop everything that I'm doing so I can start helping others that don't have what I have. I'm not saying fly to a third world country and addopt orphan children, but starting in my own area. There are plenty of people, especially children, that would just benefit from a hug.

I really need to grow up and become an asset to society. I complain that the world is decaying but instead of taking a stand I go shopping or get drunk with my friends. Starting today I'm gonna do something for somebody. Even if it's something small like a random act of kindness. I can't stand to think that I have the resourses to help some one but don't use them.

E - - (minus, minus)

2005-09-22T17:58:00.000-07:00

This is a scene from Space Boobs. More about it later.

I wrote a paper for my feature writing class and got an E. A big fat E. I asked my prof why and it was because I spelled the subjects name wrong. Otherwise it would have been an A. I was pissed but I got over it after about 3 seconds. I remember there was a time when that would have killed me. He told me I could re-write it and get a better grade, just not an A.

I didn't do much today. I went to school, and came home. I'm looking for an appartment with this girl Tara. I'll be downtown all day tomorrw trying to find somethng. I hope it works because all I can afford is abouut 400 a month. Oh yeah, about Tara...

I met her at this party called Space Boobs that my friends David and Isaac threw. Isaac was like "Hey, you're both looking for apartments, why don't you look together." At first I was totally wierded out, but then it was cool. She's a nice girl. Besides, it's not such a good idea to move into a place with friends because that could cause the most torential fight of fights.

I'm not eating tomorrow. I know it's the worst idea ever, but I think I can get away with one day without food. I hope my body doesn't go wacko. Damsel, sorry I left while chatting. I was talking to my mom. She got a new car!

Later all. xoxo

Where did all the money went?

2005-09-21T18:57:00.000-07:00

My god it's been forever since I've been here! I wonder what I've been up to? Oh now I remember. Lets begin at the end shall we!

My friend posted some pictures of me on the internet when I was all drunk. It was nuts. This is Natasha (my drunken alter ego). Shes a dirty little whorebag slut that like to drink too much tequilla and make out with random people. She's nice to you as long as your hot, so if you are you better believe she's gonna try some moves. What a freaking cunt.

She got her name a few years ago when I went to a party where I got so drunk I forgot my name. Some guy asked me what it was and I said "I don't know, what do I look like my name is," and he said "You look like a natasha." The rest is history.

I lost 4 pounds *w00t*! So that means a total of 15 pounds since mid June. I'm proud of myself! My mom is all suspicious though. Today she was like "How are you loosing all this weight," and I just told her that I was watching what I ate and excercising. That was a lie of course. I hate excercise.

Still no boyfriend. I'm a little bummed about that. Maybe if I had Natasha with me I'd get one. Or at least a one nighter:\

Has anybody been to Pittsburg? I'm going next week and Ihave not idea what to do. I've never been there before. It also has to be cheap because I have no clue where all my money is going. It seems there is a blackhole in my checking account.

Well, that's all I got for tonight. Hope you leave me a comment. I'd hate to have to cut you! Jk Jk :)

I am the Burner Of The Midnight Lamp

2005-09-14T07:19:00.000-07:00

Last night I was tired but wanted to listen to some great songs before I went to sleep. This was a tough job beacause I have lots of metal in my iTunes, and all the ambient that I had was stuff that I had been listening to all summer. l decided to listen to some Hendrix because it had been a while and I knew that he made some songs that were really chill.

I put on Burning Of The Midnight Lamp and that song took me places that I've only been to a few times before(after sevral j-bars). It gave me the feeling that everything I was doing was right. Not just right, but the ultimate right. It felt that the universe, god, or maybe even Jimi's spirit was behind me and supported what I was doing and giving me the courage to go on. I felt this positive energy on all sides of me, and it gave me both a sense of courage and calm. Everything good that one could feel I felt while listening to this song. It was beautiful.

Long live King Hendrix, lifter of spirits through rock.

My cousin had her 4th child this morning. A girl. I'm not sure what her name is. I'll see her tonight or tomorrow. xoxo

It's A Hot Day

2005-09-10T20:02:00.000-07:00

I've been up since 5 a.m. today. It sucked. I looked pretty bad this morning. It was crazy today! But me and the other girls are troopers so we made it through unscathed.

I Came home and tried to do some homework. Didn't really work out as planned but I feel super smart because I read the most academic sentance ever. It goes a little something like this:

"Myth is a multi-faceted and personal and cultural phenomenon created to provide a reality and a unity to what is transitory and fragmented in the world that we expirence - the philosophical vision of the afterlife in Plato, and any religious conception of a god are mythic, not scientific, concepts."

I felt smart after just reading it. I have no clue what it means, (well, for the most part I kinda do) but after I read it I just felt so enlightned. Totally amazing. I'd just thought I'd share that. xoxo

Not A Rant

2005-09-09T14:53:00.000-07:00

Today is Friday. I slept in untill 11 o'clock, didn't brush my teeth and won't until it's time to go to work, made a wonderful soup, ate it with a slice of toast, spilled it on my shirt, and read out of my mythology book. I like days like these. All my days are pretty low key, but today was low key and very relaxing.

I still haven't turned off my electricity from my old apartment. I should do that.

Today I posted 2 poems that I wrote on one of my message boards. I felt comfortable with it and I know that nobody would say anything like "take this shit down Juniper it sucks," because everybody there is super sweet, but I think I'll take them down tonight anyway. At first I thought it was a great idea, but now I feel as though I posted a picture of myself naked on the internet.

I've let a few of my friends and family read my poems but I always feel uncomfortable sharing them. I'm not sure why I'm so attached to them but I am. I haven't written any in a while and that kind of bums me out. Some people say they can force a good poem out of themselves and I tried to do that as well, but I ended up writing a bunch of crap. But, hey, I'm not a poet. I'm way too self absorbed to be one.

Right now I'm listening to Mono - Life in Mono. I haven't listened to this album in a long time. I often forget how good it is.

Sweet Sweet Shoes

2005-09-08T17:29:00.000-07:00

I want these shoes. What do I have to do to get them? I certanly can't afford them. The shoes are 100% genuinely designed by Alexander McQueen!

Anyway. Do I have a rant or what! okay, lets start from the begining. I went to class and our professor was showing us the required reading. Everything was looking good untill he showed us a book that looked like some rock bottom budget murder mystery novel when in fact it was a rock bottom budget murder mystery novel that doubled as required reading.

He wants us to read a book that he wrote that isn't even relevant to the class so he can make some extra money. This turned my stomach upside down. He even went as far as making a note in the syllabus that we should buy the book new because he makes more money off new books than used ones. Naturally, I'm gong to check out the book from the library.

I was going to go to the gym after class today, but instead I ate chinese food. It was pretty good. It's hard to find good chinese in the Detroit area, and I have my little spot where I always go and they never let me down! Todays visit was a litte disturbing though. While I was paying, a guy sat down in a seat next to where I was standing and stared at my breasts. That was an extreamly uncomfortable situation. Then when I gave him the quit-looking-at-my-boobs-you-creaper look he just smiled and kept staring. I paid then booked.

Anyways dolls, I have to get going because I have a shit load of HW that I need to get too. Piles and piles of reading material.

xoxo

2 things

2005-09-07T08:21:00.001-07:00

(This Evening)

Today is my grandmas 81st birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRANDMA! i'm so excited for her. I asked if she'd throw a party and she said no. She pretty much said all ofher friends were dead and a party would be of no use.

School was great today too. I walked a lot, found what may be a new place to live, drank a lot of water, learned a lot. It was a good day! I just wish I could concentrate for longer than 5 seconds. As soon as I get my mind almost in order and ready for concentrating, something comes along and distracts me. It's prolly just my brain getting back into school mode... I hope.

Can't wait for tomorrow. Really. I'm excited.

I've been working on my self dicipline. So far not so bad. I'm anxious to put it twards school and to be honest, I have no idea why I'm waiting. Well I kinda do; I have no books. I didn't buy thenm at the book store because I can get them cheaper at Amazon, all I have to do is put a rush delivery for some of them.

Well this blog is particularly boring. I'm borred freaking writing it. Leave a comment if you can direct me in the direction of l337. I need to post some pictures on this thing.

------------------

(This Morning)

I have two things:

1. I've weighed myself 6 times today and it's not even noon:s.

2. Does anybody know how to use HTML? I want to post some pictures.

That's all.

Ohh. I read this quote today and I really like it. I hope you feel encouraged after reading it.

"Farewell brave soul, and may your future gleam as bright as shines your courage now!"

Oh yeah, and a third one: I can't log on to my pro-boards. I'm gonna freaking faint.

I'm so effin pissed!

2005-09-06T19:06:00.000-07:00

Well today was almost a good day. I went up till about 9 o'clock p.m. having only eaten 150 calories. I was so proud. Then I was forced into eating a muffin and half a cheese burger. It's not like the stuff was home made, the muffin was from Starbucks and the burger was from Wendy's. Uggh.

I think my end of the day calorie total was at least 2000. Oh my god. I need to puke this up!

Right now and later tonight

2005-09-05T13:41:00.000-07:00

Right now:

I just have to say this right now, I'm not a realigious zelot. In fact I hate religion. If I had a choice of 6 things to abolish right now at this very moment they would be

*RELIGION - it seperates us as human beings and creats boundries and prejudices large enough to crumble a world wide society, and there is ultimatly no sound reasoning behind it.

*PEOPLE - poor dear Earth. She has to look after all of us and we still treat her like shit. The more of us there are, the more resources we use, and at the rate we use them they won't be able to regenerate.

*GARBAGE - We eliminate so much stuff a day with silly water bottles and one time use everything. Our use-it-then-toss-it attitude is going to be our demise if we don't kill each other first in the name of religion.

*PSUDEO LEFTIES - yes we know that corporations make tones of money and that they get it easy because they keep our leaders pockets fat, but we need corporations. Imagine trying to buy everything you need at a mom and pop shop. That's hard...actually now that Ithink about it, I'm gonna save this arguement for another day. It's pretty involved.

*DOWNWARD SNOBS - If I'm trying to get in good with the Mr. Rich so he can donate money to my charity, I don't need Mr. Socialclimber reminding me that I'm middle class and make less than x ammount of money a year and work with the lowest caste in society.

*KNOW IT ALLS - what can a person that takes pictures in their spare time tell a seasoned professional photographer about photography? Nothing.

I'm not sure what the sixth one is. I haven't thought too much on it yet. But if you have a good one let me know because I'm absolutlly positive that I'll want to abolish it too.

LATER TONIGHT

I have thought of two more thing that need to be abolished:

*FAMILY GATHERINGS - I love my family but the thought of spending Thanksgiving and Christmas with them is absolutly exausting.

*COLLEGE STUDENTS - I'm well aware that this includes me, but tonight as I dropped my sister off at nearly Ivy League University of Michigan I saw a khaki shorts wearing college boy, with the spiky hair, and the sagging pants. He had the all around dirt bag look right down to the Gatoraid in his pocket and the essential 4 cases of Red Bull. I hated that kid.

So that is my last trick of summer vacation folks. I finished a list. Welcome, 2005 School Year.

The Begining

2005-09-04T22:02:00.000-07:00

This is my first time on one of these blog things. I have a feeling I'm going to be using it quite a bit. I am a member of other online communities but nothing based soley on peoples blogs. This should be intresting.

Anyway, you'll learn more about me as the time goes by. You'll hear me rant and rave about food, rant and rave about school, rant and rave about fashion, and most importantly you'll be hearing me a rantin' and a ravin'.

So lets NOT keep it clean folks. What's life if we have to worry about stepping on the cracks.